Today is one of those days. Maybe because we're so close to the holidays, and the holidays stir up thoughts of family, and happiness, and love. And I wonder how long I will wait for those things. Or if waiting is the wrong attitude to have. I'm sure it is; I've heard we make our own fate. But I can't help but question, what is it that I am supposed to be doing? What have I been forgetting?
Sometimes I just want to scream, I want to shout to the world. What makes me so different than everyone else? What makes life so hard? Rationally, I know I don't have it so bad. I have family, good friends, but is that enough when you know there is more, just beyond your reach. I can't rid the dreadful feeling that this is it. I can't get it out of my head that, as my life goes on, nothing will change. I know my friends would tell me I was wrong, calling the wrong universe. But the longing, the feeling of something missing, my searching for the point to all this mess - will it ever find a resolution? Or will I spend my life wandering about, floundering? It's a very lonely feeling - like sinking, suffocating. It seems everyone around me knows something I don't, they've been privy to a secret and have planned accordingly. So I dare not bring it up, no one can relate. I am sure this is something I have constructed in my warped little mind, just to drive myself more crazy.
It's disconcerting though, you spend your whole life doing what you think you're supposed to, you make responsible decisions, take few risks, and you think you are headed in one direction, and land somewhere else entirely. You realize that you wasted time focusing on the wrong things, that preconceived notions about life, and people, and success have been so far off base that nothing makes sense any more. So,you worry too much, you begin to avoid making decisions that which you cannot predict the outcome, you hide, are maybe just a little bit lazy, and hope for the best. But the best doesn't come. Life remains stagnant, dormant even. Inside you feel it, you feel a churning, an over-whelming pang. And you shove it down, in fear. You think one day you will erupt, then what would people think...
Sure, there are things you could do to change, but every action has an equal and opposite reaction, whether or not our actions will be effective is a gamble. After years of losing bets, you become conditioned to believe that the odds are never in your favor so you keep what little you have left, in your pocket. Deep down in there, in that pocket, there are things I don't want to share. Things I don't want to be told are stupid, things I don't want destroyed. So I keep them to myself - useless and wasted. For what? To protect the nothing I have to lose.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Chapter 3 Continued
I made it 3 weeks, and counting. I am happy with my progress. I love that I am not wasting money on cigarettes and I don't wake up wheezy anymore. I do feel a tad wistful when I am around others smoking, and I enjoy being around the smoke. But aside from that, I haven't really been tempted.
The problem is my avoidance tactic has been food. Well not so much food as junk. I eat a lot of chocolate at work, ice cream at home... It's dangerous. So my new small goal will be to not have any chocolate at work today. Baby steps, people. I would promise to go for a walk or ride the bike for a while, but it's a billion degrees outside, and I plan to hide in the air conditioning when I get home.
Whatever happens though the main focus is not to smoke. As Stacy says, don't waste all that hard work - the last 3 weeks for one cigarette. And I don't intend to! I hope I don't have a major crisis - thanks for the looming warning Dagmara - that pushes me back to smoking, but I think that I have other ways to deal now. Walking, painting, reading, listening to music... I will try to remember that as time goes on.
Keep crossing your fingers for me, saying that little prayer. I need all the help I can get.
The problem is my avoidance tactic has been food. Well not so much food as junk. I eat a lot of chocolate at work, ice cream at home... It's dangerous. So my new small goal will be to not have any chocolate at work today. Baby steps, people. I would promise to go for a walk or ride the bike for a while, but it's a billion degrees outside, and I plan to hide in the air conditioning when I get home.
Whatever happens though the main focus is not to smoke. As Stacy says, don't waste all that hard work - the last 3 weeks for one cigarette. And I don't intend to! I hope I don't have a major crisis - thanks for the looming warning Dagmara - that pushes me back to smoking, but I think that I have other ways to deal now. Walking, painting, reading, listening to music... I will try to remember that as time goes on.
Keep crossing your fingers for me, saying that little prayer. I need all the help I can get.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lesson Learned - Chapter 3 - Make Small Goals
Make Small Goals.
I know it sounds cheesy but I read this book my aunt gave me called "30 Things to Do When You're Thirty" . There was a chapter in the book that talked about chasing your dreams. It said to make goals for yourself and accomplish them - even small ones. The small ones are confidence builders; they show you that you are capable. I have to agree.
I know I shouldn't be speaking so soon... (Talk to me this time next week. Hopefully my story will still be the same) And I definitely shouldn't say that quitting smoking is easy. That was my latest goal. You know what, it wasn't easy. It took me 14 years to get here. It took me 14 years to decided: enough! But that's where I past the hardest part - that decision, that realization.
On Memorial Day my grandma came over for a BBQ. My brother and Julie brought Mack Attack. We were hanging out in the sun, had a good dinner, spilled a LOT of coffee, and I went out to smoke. My grandma wanted me to take her home. She was a little hesitant to get into my tiny Fiat. My coercive argument was that it at least didn't smell like smoke. The car was new, I didn't want to stink it up just yet. My grandmother's response was "Big deal, you shouldn't be smoking anywhere." I jumped to my own defense, believing like every other smoker that actually quitting was a process, that it was something to be entered into carefully, with a plan, one step at a time. I believed that I couldn't be so hard on myself, that I would get there eventually. So I said to my grandma, "It's a step, Grandma." She's no bullshit. She said, "Jenny, your steps get you no where" Well ain't that a kick in the head?
She - as much as I hate to admit it - was right. All the "steps" I took were faulty at best. All they did was prolong the actual quitting part of quitting smoking. They allowed me to believe I was doing something without actually sacrificing, without doing the work. Maybe they work for some people, maybe the gradual steps help some people, so they don't feel like they are losing something... I have felt the exact opposite the last week or so. I feel like I gained something!
The next day I smoked the last cigarette in my pack. I was with Nicolette and I remember saying to her when I left her house that I had to stop for cigarettes on my way home or else I would be angry in the morning when I didn't have any. But I got in my car and thought, "Wait a minute. That's it. I said I was going to try quitting again. I'm not buying them. We'll just have to see how it goes." I made that ACTIVE decision. I took control of my actions, my health, my life. It was the most liberating decision I have ever made.
Later, on day one with no cigarettes, I had a minor freak out. I wanted to claw out my own eyes by the time I got home. I wanted to eat everything in sight to stop myself from putting a cigarette to my lips. I still didn't have any on me. Which was probably the best thing I did for myself. Had I bought cigarettes I know for a fact I would have caved and probably would have smoked the whole thing by last Thursday. And would be on my second pack since. But I made my decision 193 hrs and 21 minutes ago (8 days 1 hr and 21 minutes - not that I'm counting), and I haven't smoked yet. Lucky for me I am also lazy. Getting cigarettes would have required I get in the car and go get some. No thanks. I went to the garage and painted. But then the anxious energy built up, so I took a walk. I walked for an hour. It was excruciating. Time past so slow. I kept checking my clock, and this is a bit of a knock at the good ol' RG, but it took me just about 20 minutes to walk the entire length of the damn town. I had to go in circles, through the park, up and down streets, jog in place a little and stretch in the backyard just to fill the hour. I should be fair - I only went from Fullerton to Grand (instead of Belmont) and just about Harlem (which is technically Elmwood Park) to Ditka Dr (instead of Elm St.). But somehow I think only a half hour would have been necessary to accomplish a legit tour de River Grove. But I am getting sidetracked here. Which ironically is how I have lasted even this long. I would focus on ANYTHING other than smoking to avoid giving up. I bounced around from watching TV to painting, walking, yoga (limit mobility there), reading, drinking coffee ( which should have made me want to smoke, but didn't), oh and I cleaned my room, closets and all. I got so much more done in one night than I ever would have thought possible. At work I would focus on work, at lunch I play basketball. Which, I surprisingly have missed. And I surprise Ed every time I beat him in a game of horse.
Saturday night we went out for Stacy's birthday. I was contemplating skipping the alcohol because everyone says it's smart to avoid it when you're trying to quit. I couldn't not have a beer, and how could I pass on the Chocolate Sin Martini? But the girls discreetly went to the "powder room" without me, and I made it through. That made me feel like I really accomplished something - being around smokers, the girls and my brother earlier that day - and not letting my hard work collapse around me. I felt it, I felt that something else was more important. I keep reminding myself that I may miss smoking, but giving in won't satisfy me, it won't satiate the craving. IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WANT TO SMOKE MORE. I tell myself I am gaining nothing by smoking, but by not smoking I am hopefully going to increase my chances of not getting cancer, perhaps correcting the arrhythmia, saving money, expanding my lung capacity. Don't get me wrong, I knew all of this before. I knew that no matter how well I knew all of that, it didn't matter. It didn't carry enough weight to make me quit. No smoker is blind to the drawbacks of smoking - we live in the era of "Truth" Commercials and grew up as the "Smoke Free Class of 2000" The fact is that it has to be on you, 100%. You have to just decide to do it. Decide that you want it. That nothing is more important.
And I will advocate the Cold Turkey. There is no gray area there. There is no "today was a good day" or "today I wasn't so good". There's smoking and there's not smoking. It's black (like your lungs if you keep smoking) and white ( like my teeth will be now that I'm not going to cover them with tar).
Now I can't claim to be some rock star awesome motivational miracle story. There are days like today where my chest feels tight and I feel the burden of stress on my shoulders. And I think, "MAN! I would so be smoking hard right now, if I still did that sort of thing" And there are days when I want to bargain with myself. I will tell myself that once I have quit long enough I can smoke once in a while, if I am really drunk. Or I can smoke when I am old ( like Gabby says). And sometimes that stuff is just to help me get through the moment. It helps me think I am not giving something up entirely, I can have it back when I choose.
And right now I am CHOOSING not to have it in my life. I feel a strange sense of power from saying that. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I haven't failed yet, right? No, I do kinda rock. And I think how happy my mom is, every time I tell her, "I didn't smoke today". Can you imagine my grandma? She's going to say something like "Good for you - IT'S ABOUT TIME. NOW DON'T START AGAIN" And my aunt is going to say, "Good, Dr. Griffin will be happy, make sure you tell him." And I feel like I have taken something back there too. I can start to repair damage I did by smoking - I hope - and don't have to be to blame for my heart - should it ail me. I don't have to face the dirty looks, feel the guilt of my in-gratefulness, the judgment. I know, I know, what the fuck was I dong smoking to begin with? Please, I have heard it all.
And I don't aim to hear it ever again. I am looking at my vision board - "Quit Smoking" spelled out on it - hmm maybe they do work. And I see happiness there too. I think that makes two checks. Now wish me continued strength and good luck. I'm sure I will need both.
I know it sounds cheesy but I read this book my aunt gave me called "30 Things to Do When You're Thirty" . There was a chapter in the book that talked about chasing your dreams. It said to make goals for yourself and accomplish them - even small ones. The small ones are confidence builders; they show you that you are capable. I have to agree.
I know I shouldn't be speaking so soon... (Talk to me this time next week. Hopefully my story will still be the same) And I definitely shouldn't say that quitting smoking is easy. That was my latest goal. You know what, it wasn't easy. It took me 14 years to get here. It took me 14 years to decided: enough! But that's where I past the hardest part - that decision, that realization.
On Memorial Day my grandma came over for a BBQ. My brother and Julie brought Mack Attack. We were hanging out in the sun, had a good dinner, spilled a LOT of coffee, and I went out to smoke. My grandma wanted me to take her home. She was a little hesitant to get into my tiny Fiat. My coercive argument was that it at least didn't smell like smoke. The car was new, I didn't want to stink it up just yet. My grandmother's response was "Big deal, you shouldn't be smoking anywhere." I jumped to my own defense, believing like every other smoker that actually quitting was a process, that it was something to be entered into carefully, with a plan, one step at a time. I believed that I couldn't be so hard on myself, that I would get there eventually. So I said to my grandma, "It's a step, Grandma." She's no bullshit. She said, "Jenny, your steps get you no where" Well ain't that a kick in the head?
She - as much as I hate to admit it - was right. All the "steps" I took were faulty at best. All they did was prolong the actual quitting part of quitting smoking. They allowed me to believe I was doing something without actually sacrificing, without doing the work. Maybe they work for some people, maybe the gradual steps help some people, so they don't feel like they are losing something... I have felt the exact opposite the last week or so. I feel like I gained something!
The next day I smoked the last cigarette in my pack. I was with Nicolette and I remember saying to her when I left her house that I had to stop for cigarettes on my way home or else I would be angry in the morning when I didn't have any. But I got in my car and thought, "Wait a minute. That's it. I said I was going to try quitting again. I'm not buying them. We'll just have to see how it goes." I made that ACTIVE decision. I took control of my actions, my health, my life. It was the most liberating decision I have ever made.
Later, on day one with no cigarettes, I had a minor freak out. I wanted to claw out my own eyes by the time I got home. I wanted to eat everything in sight to stop myself from putting a cigarette to my lips. I still didn't have any on me. Which was probably the best thing I did for myself. Had I bought cigarettes I know for a fact I would have caved and probably would have smoked the whole thing by last Thursday. And would be on my second pack since. But I made my decision 193 hrs and 21 minutes ago (8 days 1 hr and 21 minutes - not that I'm counting), and I haven't smoked yet. Lucky for me I am also lazy. Getting cigarettes would have required I get in the car and go get some. No thanks. I went to the garage and painted. But then the anxious energy built up, so I took a walk. I walked for an hour. It was excruciating. Time past so slow. I kept checking my clock, and this is a bit of a knock at the good ol' RG, but it took me just about 20 minutes to walk the entire length of the damn town. I had to go in circles, through the park, up and down streets, jog in place a little and stretch in the backyard just to fill the hour. I should be fair - I only went from Fullerton to Grand (instead of Belmont) and just about Harlem (which is technically Elmwood Park) to Ditka Dr (instead of Elm St.). But somehow I think only a half hour would have been necessary to accomplish a legit tour de River Grove. But I am getting sidetracked here. Which ironically is how I have lasted even this long. I would focus on ANYTHING other than smoking to avoid giving up. I bounced around from watching TV to painting, walking, yoga (limit mobility there), reading, drinking coffee ( which should have made me want to smoke, but didn't), oh and I cleaned my room, closets and all. I got so much more done in one night than I ever would have thought possible. At work I would focus on work, at lunch I play basketball. Which, I surprisingly have missed. And I surprise Ed every time I beat him in a game of horse.
Saturday night we went out for Stacy's birthday. I was contemplating skipping the alcohol because everyone says it's smart to avoid it when you're trying to quit. I couldn't not have a beer, and how could I pass on the Chocolate Sin Martini? But the girls discreetly went to the "powder room" without me, and I made it through. That made me feel like I really accomplished something - being around smokers, the girls and my brother earlier that day - and not letting my hard work collapse around me. I felt it, I felt that something else was more important. I keep reminding myself that I may miss smoking, but giving in won't satisfy me, it won't satiate the craving. IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WANT TO SMOKE MORE. I tell myself I am gaining nothing by smoking, but by not smoking I am hopefully going to increase my chances of not getting cancer, perhaps correcting the arrhythmia, saving money, expanding my lung capacity. Don't get me wrong, I knew all of this before. I knew that no matter how well I knew all of that, it didn't matter. It didn't carry enough weight to make me quit. No smoker is blind to the drawbacks of smoking - we live in the era of "Truth" Commercials and grew up as the "Smoke Free Class of 2000" The fact is that it has to be on you, 100%. You have to just decide to do it. Decide that you want it. That nothing is more important.
And I will advocate the Cold Turkey. There is no gray area there. There is no "today was a good day" or "today I wasn't so good". There's smoking and there's not smoking. It's black (like your lungs if you keep smoking) and white ( like my teeth will be now that I'm not going to cover them with tar).
Now I can't claim to be some rock star awesome motivational miracle story. There are days like today where my chest feels tight and I feel the burden of stress on my shoulders. And I think, "MAN! I would so be smoking hard right now, if I still did that sort of thing" And there are days when I want to bargain with myself. I will tell myself that once I have quit long enough I can smoke once in a while, if I am really drunk. Or I can smoke when I am old ( like Gabby says). And sometimes that stuff is just to help me get through the moment. It helps me think I am not giving something up entirely, I can have it back when I choose.
And right now I am CHOOSING not to have it in my life. I feel a strange sense of power from saying that. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I haven't failed yet, right? No, I do kinda rock. And I think how happy my mom is, every time I tell her, "I didn't smoke today". Can you imagine my grandma? She's going to say something like "Good for you - IT'S ABOUT TIME. NOW DON'T START AGAIN" And my aunt is going to say, "Good, Dr. Griffin will be happy, make sure you tell him." And I feel like I have taken something back there too. I can start to repair damage I did by smoking - I hope - and don't have to be to blame for my heart - should it ail me. I don't have to face the dirty looks, feel the guilt of my in-gratefulness, the judgment. I know, I know, what the fuck was I dong smoking to begin with? Please, I have heard it all.
And I don't aim to hear it ever again. I am looking at my vision board - "Quit Smoking" spelled out on it - hmm maybe they do work. And I see happiness there too. I think that makes two checks. Now wish me continued strength and good luck. I'm sure I will need both.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Chapter 2 Continued Yet Again
It is so frustrating. I seem to have lost my will power. After one weekend, alcohol involved, I seem to have gone back a step. I went from cutting down to 5 a day, down to 4, down to 3. Then Friday night came, wine applied to the system and I had about 9 cigarettes. Gross. Saturday was no better. I was again able to keep to only a couple during the day but going out that night got the best of me. Again, smoking half a pack.
I considered the weekend a wash and started again on Monday, from the beginning. Down to 5 cigarettes. And here on Thursday, one day before my alleged quit date and I am still on 5 cigarettes a day. So far I have only had 2, and I have not smoked in my car since I think Monday, but I am sure the number will hit 5 before I go to bed.
I am starting to think 2 things. One being a small issue, I have no will power and give up easily. This is evident also in my weight loss ambitions, which have ceased to exist, growing cobwebs on my weight watchers account. And secondly, a possible solution: play hermit until I am over the worst of it. Strictly go from home to work, work to home and no where in between. Unless I have to stop for gas. No eating at restaurants. No going out for a quick drink, no going to homes of smokers, especially if there is smoking in the house. I'd say for at least 2 weeks. And with all the home time I will be wracking up in the mean time, I can use it productively, working on one of my many weakly attempted hobbies...
I'll keep you posted on how well that goes.
I considered the weekend a wash and started again on Monday, from the beginning. Down to 5 cigarettes. And here on Thursday, one day before my alleged quit date and I am still on 5 cigarettes a day. So far I have only had 2, and I have not smoked in my car since I think Monday, but I am sure the number will hit 5 before I go to bed.
I am starting to think 2 things. One being a small issue, I have no will power and give up easily. This is evident also in my weight loss ambitions, which have ceased to exist, growing cobwebs on my weight watchers account. And secondly, a possible solution: play hermit until I am over the worst of it. Strictly go from home to work, work to home and no where in between. Unless I have to stop for gas. No eating at restaurants. No going out for a quick drink, no going to homes of smokers, especially if there is smoking in the house. I'd say for at least 2 weeks. And with all the home time I will be wracking up in the mean time, I can use it productively, working on one of my many weakly attempted hobbies...
I'll keep you posted on how well that goes.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Chapter 2 Continued
Today is March 1st. I have 8 days until my end smoke date. This morning I did something I've never done. I went all the way to work without smoking. I'm sure for many of you that doesn't seem like a tricky task. I mean you simply don't smoke, right?
But I don't think that there has been a day in the last 10 years that I went to work or school without smoking, buying a pack on the way and smoking as soon as I got there, or maybe having two because I was stuck in traffic. So this morning was a big accomplishment for me. And it's now 10 am and I still haven't had a cigarette. It's been just over 12 hrs since my last one. I am a bit antsy I guess you could say, but I think I expected it to be worse. Right now I am somewhat occupied at work, but at times my focus gets lost, consumed in a craving.
From the outside you wouldn't know the difference. It's like walking down the street, I know I appear to be perfectly normal, composed, but inside it feels like I am burning alive, like if I could crawl out of my skin, I would. I know why I failed so many times before. I couldn't fight that urge. I wanted to just make it go away. "Just one more, just one more", I would say, "and I won't smoke anymore today." But I remember how that went. One more turned into two, the next day I'd have 3. And before I knew it I was back to smoking a half a pack a day sometimes more.
I am happy to say that yesterday I went down a notch. I was smoking probably half a pack a day. Then I cut back to maybe 7 cigarettes, give or take. I wasn't keeping a running tally, I would just judge by how frequently I would have to buy a new pack, and whether or not I shared with anyone. Then when I started on the idea of quitting, I worked my way down to 5 cigarettes a day, specifically scheduled (which according to the plan is probably a bad strategy). I held at 5 cigarettes a day for a few days, but I tried to infuse the "Become an Ex" theology. Rather than smoking at specific times, I began to work on the process of separation. Like not smoking immediately after getting in the car, or drinking a cup of coffee, or following a meal.
Today makes day 4 of "separation" and last night I went down to only 4 cigarettes a day. They went a little like this: one on the way to work, one halfway in the car to dinner, one half way to Jets for trivia, and one halfway through Trivia. I jammed like a lunatic to the radio and ate 2 cough drops to avoid smoking on the the way home. So it seems the car is my down fall. If only I rode my bike everywhere... But still, it's progress.
And today, so far so good. I am currently warring in my head over when I get to have another one. I have separated the smoking from my morning routine of getting to work so I am due for one. I would like to hold out as long as possible though. And I don't want to run into lunch, because with lunch I face another trigger. I have to separate the smoking from eating as well. So the debate in my head right now is going something like this:
But I don't think that there has been a day in the last 10 years that I went to work or school without smoking, buying a pack on the way and smoking as soon as I got there, or maybe having two because I was stuck in traffic. So this morning was a big accomplishment for me. And it's now 10 am and I still haven't had a cigarette. It's been just over 12 hrs since my last one. I am a bit antsy I guess you could say, but I think I expected it to be worse. Right now I am somewhat occupied at work, but at times my focus gets lost, consumed in a craving.
From the outside you wouldn't know the difference. It's like walking down the street, I know I appear to be perfectly normal, composed, but inside it feels like I am burning alive, like if I could crawl out of my skin, I would. I know why I failed so many times before. I couldn't fight that urge. I wanted to just make it go away. "Just one more, just one more", I would say, "and I won't smoke anymore today." But I remember how that went. One more turned into two, the next day I'd have 3. And before I knew it I was back to smoking a half a pack a day sometimes more.
I am happy to say that yesterday I went down a notch. I was smoking probably half a pack a day. Then I cut back to maybe 7 cigarettes, give or take. I wasn't keeping a running tally, I would just judge by how frequently I would have to buy a new pack, and whether or not I shared with anyone. Then when I started on the idea of quitting, I worked my way down to 5 cigarettes a day, specifically scheduled (which according to the plan is probably a bad strategy). I held at 5 cigarettes a day for a few days, but I tried to infuse the "Become an Ex" theology. Rather than smoking at specific times, I began to work on the process of separation. Like not smoking immediately after getting in the car, or drinking a cup of coffee, or following a meal.
Today makes day 4 of "separation" and last night I went down to only 4 cigarettes a day. They went a little like this: one on the way to work, one halfway in the car to dinner, one half way to Jets for trivia, and one halfway through Trivia. I jammed like a lunatic to the radio and ate 2 cough drops to avoid smoking on the the way home. So it seems the car is my down fall. If only I rode my bike everywhere... But still, it's progress.
And today, so far so good. I am currently warring in my head over when I get to have another one. I have separated the smoking from my morning routine of getting to work so I am due for one. I would like to hold out as long as possible though. And I don't want to run into lunch, because with lunch I face another trigger. I have to separate the smoking from eating as well. So the debate in my head right now is going something like this:
Good job, no smoking yet today
ok, when can I have one?
Maybe at lunch, no I have to space out food and smoking
ok, how about now? - No! Fight the urge! Hold out as long as you can!
After Lunch then, mid-afternoon - No! I told people at work I want to not smoke at work.
I'll look like a liar, a failure
So... who cares, I need that cigarette.
No you don't, calm down.
Oh shut up you goody two-shoes
Ugh, I can't imagine not smoking this summer... on the way to Kentucky..
Hey idiot, how about you take this one step at a time.
Shut up!
And that's where I'm at right now. I think the nicotine craving part of my brain is about to win. I am rationalizing that it's part of the program, to allow yourself the cigarettes but separated from triggers, until that quit date. Maybe I misunderstood something, but I would still like to minimize the smoking, so holding out as long as possible seems like the best idea. Otherwise, I am going to get to that quit date and not be able to quit. And that would suck. Clearly. Wish me Luck.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Coldest Feet
We have a funny, cute, little tradition in our family. Every year, for the Academy Awards my mom makes rice crispy treats in the shape of Oscars. They are somewhat primitive looking, but each year they get a little better, and we get the gist. Often times their heads are sagging, they look unnaturally gold - though my mom doesn't admit to coloring them - and invariably there is one ginormous Oscar. Who, you ask, gets that one? Well none other than the golden boy himself - Jay.
My mom is so funny, first she denies that Jay is the favorite - Jess and I know better - but she also wraps up the Oscars for whomever can't make it to the awards. We look forward to it every year. And the best part, in order to get your tasty prize you must give an acceptance speech. Generally it's better if the room collaborates on who get which award - most glittery shoes, best animal lover - sometimes we make up our own just to get on with eating the treat without waiting for everyone to agree on the trophy's symbol. Mom usually goes a little more traditional with her award - best cook, most creative baker ( hence the Oscar treats). Everyone else usually goes for funny.
Earlier in the evening my mom and grandma were sharing war stories about getting me to put on socks - like it's a national crisis or and I'm not 30 years old- so later when the treats came out Jess dubbed mine as the Oscar for the Coldest Feet. My acceptance speech went something like this:
My mom is so funny, first she denies that Jay is the favorite - Jess and I know better - but she also wraps up the Oscars for whomever can't make it to the awards. We look forward to it every year. And the best part, in order to get your tasty prize you must give an acceptance speech. Generally it's better if the room collaborates on who get which award - most glittery shoes, best animal lover - sometimes we make up our own just to get on with eating the treat without waiting for everyone to agree on the trophy's symbol. Mom usually goes a little more traditional with her award - best cook, most creative baker ( hence the Oscar treats). Everyone else usually goes for funny.
Earlier in the evening my mom and grandma were sharing war stories about getting me to put on socks - like it's a national crisis or and I'm not 30 years old- so later when the treats came out Jess dubbed mine as the Oscar for the Coldest Feet. My acceptance speech went something like this:
I would like to thank the academy, and my grandmother, and mother for constantly telling me to put on socks, you provided me with something to rebel against. Your constant nagging has made me never want to wear socks, out of spite, and helped me have this year's coldest feet.
Well, at least I thought it was funny... Anyway, it's one of those silly little things that most people would say is nerdy or juvenile, but we like it and have fun with it. And I think, even though I am also the worst in the kitchen, I will continue this with my own family some day.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Lessons Learned - Chapter 2
I normally would not write about this sort of thing. My sister has said "You're fine", enough times that I have come to accept that aside from my mom, I'm really the only who wants to hear it. My sister is not wrong.
But she, as well as I, takes for granted that everyone has heard enough. I've grown accustomed to meeting people and assuming they can guess enough of the story from on the scars, assume they aren't interested in details, and assume sharing them comes off as self important. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overly critical of myself. Maybe I sound like an egotistical ass.
Today, however, it's where this story starts, because, late in the game, things can shift. And it never ceases to amaze me what the process of "growing up" can do to your perspective.There comes a point in time when you realize that your decisions actually have consequences.
My doctor tells me every time I see him that I'll be getting a medal. It's our little joke. Apparently, I hold some sort of record, unofficially of course, amongst people who've had the same procedure. The record for "Longest Lasting Conduit". Typically, people may not think this is any great feat. But considering my original conduit lasted 16 years as opposed to the average 10 years, it's not too shabby. But most recently, at my last visit, Dr. Griffin went on to say he had been talking about me at a conference the previous day. ( I wonder sometimes, it would be pretty cool if my name is in a medical journal somewhere.) He said to me, "Remind me how long the newest conduit has been in." I told him 12 years. He said, "Really, that medal should be arriving any day now...Yesterday I was talking to some colleagues, some of their patients have needed replacements within 4 months of implantation." My eyes bugged out a little. I couldn't imagine having to go through that in multiple, within only a few months time. "You're very lucky," he said, "you haven't had any of the hiccups or side effects...So check your mail for that medal" I can't help but laugh at his goofy demeanor.
This conversation took place before the exam, which, to my dismay, was observed by a med student - I hate that. I'm all for learning, don't get me wrong, but you ever want to feel like a guinea pig, going to a teaching hospital will satisfy that craving. We did the whole rigmarole, deep breath, listen, exhale slowly, listen, repeat. The conduit would live to see another day, it sounded great. The native artery had a leak.
Doc was never one to be an alarmist. He always spoke calmly, casually, even years ago when he told me he wanted me to have surgery. He was not cold, but rational, confident, no big deal. So this time I wasn't sure where the news fell within the parameters of severity. He said this can occur naturally, normally, and any future work I needed done would be no sweat. But that was what he said about the transesophageal echo 12 years ago, where, and this will forever be etched in my memory, I had to gargle what tasted like Raid as the aerosol burned it's way down my throat before swallowing a camera semi-conscious. - yet again my sister's voice chimes in, "I'm fine"- But the point being, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Griffin was again downplaying unpleasantries for my benefit .
When I think about it though, the man is no fool. I mean his strategy seemed to work. He is almost 70 and he has been doing this for sometime, so I imagine he's picked up a trick or two. Speak comforting words, people feel comforted. Speak words of anger, people respond with anger. Speak confidently, even amidst uncertainty, people will feel at ease. I was concerned, sure, it had been 4 years since I dragged myself to see him, I knew the unhealthy aspects of my lifestyle. But I wasn't so much scared as intrigued. I guess I figured it was only a matter of time before there was a blip. I almost felt it coming on. And in all morbid honesty, this was my thing, the thing that made me even remotely interesting.
I did however have one specific reservation about the whole thing. And that was in telling my parents there was even a glimmer of an issue. Being a patient can suck, don't get me wrong, but it's not without its perks. It's far worse to be the parent. I may not be a parent, but I saw enough of the pain and sacrifice my own made for me. I would take a needle in my arm any day to having to sit in their place and watch it happen. Nothing was going to make me tell them more than I had to. I lied to my mother for the first time ever when reporting back on a doctor visit.
"What the doctor say, Jen?"
"Oh conduit's fine, says I'm ganna get a medal"
laughs "Good, good. Did you do an echo"
"No, he's ganna have me come back for a stress test, says it's been a long time"
"Ok, so all good?"
"Yup, all good"
But being the natural born big mouth that I am, I blabbed to my sister and the jig was up. She said any more info I received I'd have to share with our parents. I agreed conditionally, we were operating on a need to know basis. No need to work them up.
I would go back in two weeks for a stress echo. After that I would know more, whether the leak was major or benign, and what the next step would be. My mom offered to come, but I shot her down, not necessary.
So I went alone. It felt right, empowering almost, to take this step, consciously, intentionally by myself. Like an adult. I was making an active decision for once, perhaps in retrospect it was the wrong one, but mine nonetheless.
The waiting took longer than the tests; that's what happens when you show up an hour early. And before I knew it I was cleaning jelly from everywhere, pulling my sweat shirt back on. And this is where the going-it-alone thing backfires. I don't listen. I assume things. I make incorrect inferences and "intuitive leaps", scrambling facts. This is not specific to doctor appointments, this is my behavior in daily social interaction and in reflecting on that, I see that I am my biggest cause for confusion and misunderstanding.
After probably 10 minutes into the echo the tech said the leak was minor. That part I got. He explained that it was the pulmonary artery that had been patched in, which was always a point of misconception on my part. And why is that? Because I'd stop listening. Overwhelmed by facts. So during round two, the stress echo, I lasted maybe 6 minutes on the treadmill, I retained even less information. They told me that I'd have to move as fast as I could when the test ended to get back on the table for the second echo. I warned them that there is one thing I don't do, and that's move fast (seriously inanimate objects move faster than me). But it all worked out.
As I walked, I started holding the rail, the faster and higher the incline the more I felt the need to grab for it. The tech reminded me the more I held on, the less work I was doing, and the longer I'd have to walk. I tried to stay conscious of that as I went. I noticed the chart printing, the doctor and tech talking, the knowing exchanges.I focused only on keeping myself going, not wanting to look like a wimp. When they decided to stop me I moved as fast as I could back to the table, with some help from pushy tech hands, and finished the echo with my heart rate flying.
Dr Griffin started saying something about my heart beat switching something, and compared something to spark plugs in a car. Over all I had no flipping idea what he was talking about. And when he came back in the room after I was dressed and tried to break it down, I could really only half listen. My mind was going a mile a minute, I got hung up somewhere at the words "event recorder"... I don't know. And only really walked away knowing surgery wasn't going to be happening any time soon - sweet - that he was thinking about putting me on medication, and he was going to call me next week after he reviewed the results further.
At that point I caved and called my mom. I told her what I could remember, sans the leak - that was news was obsolete anyhow. I added that she probably should come to these visits from now on because I couldn't explain a damn thing the doctor said. But that everything was basically good. She took it well, talking to me like the child I am, warning me to ask a million questions when he called, if that was what it took for me to understand what he was saying. Otherwise she was going to sic my aunt, the nurse, on me.Nobody wants that...
The week went by and I didn't hear from the good doc, so I called him the following Monday.When he called me later that day I sat with my pen ready, with Lauren watching the phones for me at work.
Dr. Griffin explained that they stopped me on the treadmill because they noticed an arrhythmia. He said it was atricular, rather than ventricular - meaning the arrhythmia occurs in the atrium of the heart not the ventricles. He said that he didn't want to put me on medication yet. In 6 months I was to come back, and he'd reevaluate the situation, unless of course I was to continue to get dizzy spells or notice the extra beats of the arrhythmia. He went on to joke like his normal self, that all we ask is that we get 70 more years or so out of this conduit. I was laughing when I hung up. I understood the message this time, but was unsure what the wait was for. I didn't want to worry that I would constantly be out of breath with minimal effort. I don't exactly know what extra beating feels like... Doc also didn't give me any restrictions. He didn't reprimand me, he didn't offer an explanation of "over extending" myself or tips on how to lose the extra weight. Nada. By now he figured I knew the drill.
But I did some research anyway. Caffeine, exercise, nicotine are just a few of the things that can contribute to arrhythmia. Well, you can forget the idea of giving up coffee. And lord knows I don't exercise. So the smoking had to go. I mean that was a given, it never should have been happening in the first place. In fact, I wouldn't be surprise if it was the sole cause of the situation. Although my doctor didn't say so.But now I had a mission.
I decided to take it slow, that I needed a plan. For a while I thought I could just "try" and that eventually I would just get over the need to smoke. I realized quickly that I would need something a little more concrete than that. My initial reflex to keep it under wraps, I learned too, was actually a hindrance to the process. At first I just thought I wouldn't want to look like a failure, if my attempts to quit didn't last. But then I found a website called "Become an Ex". Support plays a big part.
So far I like the site. It allows you to take things slow. It teaches you about smoking triggers and addiction, and teaches you how to take steps to overcome the triggers, to "relearn' everyday activities without smoking.
The first step is to pick an end smoke day. The site recommends a date about a month out for two reasons: one so you have time to prepare- learn their strategies and tell your friends/family, and 2, no longer so as to not lose the motivation. I set mine as March 9th.
The next step is tracking your cigarettes. For three days they want you to record every cigarette you have, the time of day, what you were doing , how strong the urge was, and any thoughts you have on the "event". After 3 days you begin the process of "separation". Each time you come to a smoking trigger, for instance having a cup of coffee, you delay the cigarette by 5 minutes. If you normally smoke during the cup of coffee maybe you wait until you have finished the cup until smoking. After a couple of days like this they say to continue to stretch the separation. The idea is that eventually, the "trigger" will no longer be a trigger to smoke, it will simply be a cup of coffee again.
The site gives you tips on distracting yourself through the "separation" period, talks about support - how to maximize it's benefits, things to avoid - people to avoid, as well as an online community of support. The advice doesn't end with your last cigarette either. "Become an Ex" has resources to help you stay quit, to avoid the side effects that may go along with quitting - withdrawal, weight gain, stress.
So I'm going with it. I think this is something that can actually work. Today I officially start separation. So far so good. I delayed the smoking in the car this morning and so far haven't had my "mid-morning boredom" cigarette. I will have to try to delay the after lunch cigarette as well... But I guess the point of this blog has become making the attempt public. Now I have to be accountable. Now I have purpose.
So to any of you that are willing and able, I can use all the support I can get - not scolding just support - thank goodness my grandmother doesn't know how to use a computer... It's going to be a bumpy road and I may slip, but I want it now, it's time. Life is too short, I've seen that, no need to make it any shorter.
Lesson: Smoking is not worth it.
Did I Learn It: God, I hope so
But she, as well as I, takes for granted that everyone has heard enough. I've grown accustomed to meeting people and assuming they can guess enough of the story from on the scars, assume they aren't interested in details, and assume sharing them comes off as self important. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overly critical of myself. Maybe I sound like an egotistical ass.
Today, however, it's where this story starts, because, late in the game, things can shift. And it never ceases to amaze me what the process of "growing up" can do to your perspective.There comes a point in time when you realize that your decisions actually have consequences.
My doctor tells me every time I see him that I'll be getting a medal. It's our little joke. Apparently, I hold some sort of record, unofficially of course, amongst people who've had the same procedure. The record for "Longest Lasting Conduit". Typically, people may not think this is any great feat. But considering my original conduit lasted 16 years as opposed to the average 10 years, it's not too shabby. But most recently, at my last visit, Dr. Griffin went on to say he had been talking about me at a conference the previous day. ( I wonder sometimes, it would be pretty cool if my name is in a medical journal somewhere.) He said to me, "Remind me how long the newest conduit has been in." I told him 12 years. He said, "Really, that medal should be arriving any day now...Yesterday I was talking to some colleagues, some of their patients have needed replacements within 4 months of implantation." My eyes bugged out a little. I couldn't imagine having to go through that in multiple, within only a few months time. "You're very lucky," he said, "you haven't had any of the hiccups or side effects...So check your mail for that medal" I can't help but laugh at his goofy demeanor.
This conversation took place before the exam, which, to my dismay, was observed by a med student - I hate that. I'm all for learning, don't get me wrong, but you ever want to feel like a guinea pig, going to a teaching hospital will satisfy that craving. We did the whole rigmarole, deep breath, listen, exhale slowly, listen, repeat. The conduit would live to see another day, it sounded great. The native artery had a leak.
Doc was never one to be an alarmist. He always spoke calmly, casually, even years ago when he told me he wanted me to have surgery. He was not cold, but rational, confident, no big deal. So this time I wasn't sure where the news fell within the parameters of severity. He said this can occur naturally, normally, and any future work I needed done would be no sweat. But that was what he said about the transesophageal echo 12 years ago, where, and this will forever be etched in my memory, I had to gargle what tasted like Raid as the aerosol burned it's way down my throat before swallowing a camera semi-conscious. - yet again my sister's voice chimes in, "I'm fine"- But the point being, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Griffin was again downplaying unpleasantries for my benefit .
When I think about it though, the man is no fool. I mean his strategy seemed to work. He is almost 70 and he has been doing this for sometime, so I imagine he's picked up a trick or two. Speak comforting words, people feel comforted. Speak words of anger, people respond with anger. Speak confidently, even amidst uncertainty, people will feel at ease. I was concerned, sure, it had been 4 years since I dragged myself to see him, I knew the unhealthy aspects of my lifestyle. But I wasn't so much scared as intrigued. I guess I figured it was only a matter of time before there was a blip. I almost felt it coming on. And in all morbid honesty, this was my thing, the thing that made me even remotely interesting.
I did however have one specific reservation about the whole thing. And that was in telling my parents there was even a glimmer of an issue. Being a patient can suck, don't get me wrong, but it's not without its perks. It's far worse to be the parent. I may not be a parent, but I saw enough of the pain and sacrifice my own made for me. I would take a needle in my arm any day to having to sit in their place and watch it happen. Nothing was going to make me tell them more than I had to. I lied to my mother for the first time ever when reporting back on a doctor visit.
"What the doctor say, Jen?"
"Oh conduit's fine, says I'm ganna get a medal"
laughs "Good, good. Did you do an echo"
"No, he's ganna have me come back for a stress test, says it's been a long time"
"Ok, so all good?"
"Yup, all good"
But being the natural born big mouth that I am, I blabbed to my sister and the jig was up. She said any more info I received I'd have to share with our parents. I agreed conditionally, we were operating on a need to know basis. No need to work them up.
I would go back in two weeks for a stress echo. After that I would know more, whether the leak was major or benign, and what the next step would be. My mom offered to come, but I shot her down, not necessary.
So I went alone. It felt right, empowering almost, to take this step, consciously, intentionally by myself. Like an adult. I was making an active decision for once, perhaps in retrospect it was the wrong one, but mine nonetheless.
The waiting took longer than the tests; that's what happens when you show up an hour early. And before I knew it I was cleaning jelly from everywhere, pulling my sweat shirt back on. And this is where the going-it-alone thing backfires. I don't listen. I assume things. I make incorrect inferences and "intuitive leaps", scrambling facts. This is not specific to doctor appointments, this is my behavior in daily social interaction and in reflecting on that, I see that I am my biggest cause for confusion and misunderstanding.
After probably 10 minutes into the echo the tech said the leak was minor. That part I got. He explained that it was the pulmonary artery that had been patched in, which was always a point of misconception on my part. And why is that? Because I'd stop listening. Overwhelmed by facts. So during round two, the stress echo, I lasted maybe 6 minutes on the treadmill, I retained even less information. They told me that I'd have to move as fast as I could when the test ended to get back on the table for the second echo. I warned them that there is one thing I don't do, and that's move fast (seriously inanimate objects move faster than me). But it all worked out.
As I walked, I started holding the rail, the faster and higher the incline the more I felt the need to grab for it. The tech reminded me the more I held on, the less work I was doing, and the longer I'd have to walk. I tried to stay conscious of that as I went. I noticed the chart printing, the doctor and tech talking, the knowing exchanges.I focused only on keeping myself going, not wanting to look like a wimp. When they decided to stop me I moved as fast as I could back to the table, with some help from pushy tech hands, and finished the echo with my heart rate flying.
Dr Griffin started saying something about my heart beat switching something, and compared something to spark plugs in a car. Over all I had no flipping idea what he was talking about. And when he came back in the room after I was dressed and tried to break it down, I could really only half listen. My mind was going a mile a minute, I got hung up somewhere at the words "event recorder"... I don't know. And only really walked away knowing surgery wasn't going to be happening any time soon - sweet - that he was thinking about putting me on medication, and he was going to call me next week after he reviewed the results further.
At that point I caved and called my mom. I told her what I could remember, sans the leak - that was news was obsolete anyhow. I added that she probably should come to these visits from now on because I couldn't explain a damn thing the doctor said. But that everything was basically good. She took it well, talking to me like the child I am, warning me to ask a million questions when he called, if that was what it took for me to understand what he was saying. Otherwise she was going to sic my aunt, the nurse, on me.Nobody wants that...
The week went by and I didn't hear from the good doc, so I called him the following Monday.When he called me later that day I sat with my pen ready, with Lauren watching the phones for me at work.
Dr. Griffin explained that they stopped me on the treadmill because they noticed an arrhythmia. He said it was atricular, rather than ventricular - meaning the arrhythmia occurs in the atrium of the heart not the ventricles. He said that he didn't want to put me on medication yet. In 6 months I was to come back, and he'd reevaluate the situation, unless of course I was to continue to get dizzy spells or notice the extra beats of the arrhythmia. He went on to joke like his normal self, that all we ask is that we get 70 more years or so out of this conduit. I was laughing when I hung up. I understood the message this time, but was unsure what the wait was for. I didn't want to worry that I would constantly be out of breath with minimal effort. I don't exactly know what extra beating feels like... Doc also didn't give me any restrictions. He didn't reprimand me, he didn't offer an explanation of "over extending" myself or tips on how to lose the extra weight. Nada. By now he figured I knew the drill.
But I did some research anyway. Caffeine, exercise, nicotine are just a few of the things that can contribute to arrhythmia. Well, you can forget the idea of giving up coffee. And lord knows I don't exercise. So the smoking had to go. I mean that was a given, it never should have been happening in the first place. In fact, I wouldn't be surprise if it was the sole cause of the situation. Although my doctor didn't say so.But now I had a mission.
I decided to take it slow, that I needed a plan. For a while I thought I could just "try" and that eventually I would just get over the need to smoke. I realized quickly that I would need something a little more concrete than that. My initial reflex to keep it under wraps, I learned too, was actually a hindrance to the process. At first I just thought I wouldn't want to look like a failure, if my attempts to quit didn't last. But then I found a website called "Become an Ex". Support plays a big part.
So far I like the site. It allows you to take things slow. It teaches you about smoking triggers and addiction, and teaches you how to take steps to overcome the triggers, to "relearn' everyday activities without smoking.
The first step is to pick an end smoke day. The site recommends a date about a month out for two reasons: one so you have time to prepare- learn their strategies and tell your friends/family, and 2, no longer so as to not lose the motivation. I set mine as March 9th.
The next step is tracking your cigarettes. For three days they want you to record every cigarette you have, the time of day, what you were doing , how strong the urge was, and any thoughts you have on the "event". After 3 days you begin the process of "separation". Each time you come to a smoking trigger, for instance having a cup of coffee, you delay the cigarette by 5 minutes. If you normally smoke during the cup of coffee maybe you wait until you have finished the cup until smoking. After a couple of days like this they say to continue to stretch the separation. The idea is that eventually, the "trigger" will no longer be a trigger to smoke, it will simply be a cup of coffee again.
The site gives you tips on distracting yourself through the "separation" period, talks about support - how to maximize it's benefits, things to avoid - people to avoid, as well as an online community of support. The advice doesn't end with your last cigarette either. "Become an Ex" has resources to help you stay quit, to avoid the side effects that may go along with quitting - withdrawal, weight gain, stress.
So I'm going with it. I think this is something that can actually work. Today I officially start separation. So far so good. I delayed the smoking in the car this morning and so far haven't had my "mid-morning boredom" cigarette. I will have to try to delay the after lunch cigarette as well... But I guess the point of this blog has become making the attempt public. Now I have to be accountable. Now I have purpose.
So to any of you that are willing and able, I can use all the support I can get - not scolding just support - thank goodness my grandmother doesn't know how to use a computer... It's going to be a bumpy road and I may slip, but I want it now, it's time. Life is too short, I've seen that, no need to make it any shorter.
Lesson: Smoking is not worth it.
Did I Learn It: God, I hope so
Friday, February 24, 2012
Lessons Learned - Chapter 1
You have to be completely honest with both sides of the story, if
you want people to have an accurate perception of events. It means
nothing at all if only half the truth is told. As painful as it is to
recount my errors and naivete , my poor judgement and cruelty, full
disclosure is paramount to pinpointing where the most devestating
missteps occured.
My friends and I joke about how we are going to hell for the things we have done, but they tease me that there is no way I have done anything warranting my one way ticket to hell. I guess it's all relative. But you know what they say : Karma's a bitch. Maybe that explains everything...
My friends and I joke about how we are going to hell for the things we have done, but they tease me that there is no way I have done anything warranting my one way ticket to hell. I guess it's all relative. But you know what they say : Karma's a bitch. Maybe that explains everything...
Books and movies have quite thoroughly ruined me, but I believe there is a reason for everything, that all the mini moments in our lives lead up to a climax and conclusion like the plot of a good story. This presumption possibly started me out on the wrong path, making all subsequent decisions and beliefs a product of faulty logic. But my hopeless idealism won't allow me to give up on the notion that the best is yet to come... I just wish it would get here already.
------------------------------
During college I learned a valuable lesson, that I should have made a more active effort to remember as the years went on.
We met Adam at our summer job, and, at first, we hated him. He
dressed and spoke like he thought he was some sort of thug - a total
poser considering we were all from River Grove.
He was a big hit though with the other guys, so we were forced to
be around him pretty frequently. I'm not going to lie - sorry- but he
was not attractive. Somehow, over time he grew on all of us. He was
funny, and you never knew what he was going to say. And, unlike most, he
didn't judge people before he met them.
So before I knew it I found myself actually liking him - as a
friend. We talked on the phone, we hung out all the time. And so did the
other girls.
And in only a couple weeks I was working on convincing Andrea to
agree to go out with him. It was a long, extremely long, process but
finally she did. And they dated for a while. But when they broke up,
somehow I remained better friends with Adam, than with Andrea.
I think I knew why even then. I just didn't talk about it. I
wouldn't even admit it to myself. But all the talking, all the happy
hours - they eventually got to me. The unthinkable had happened, I liked
Adam. So I continued to hang out with him, without Andrea, all but
forgetting about her completely. It wasn't long before I didn't even
consider us to be friends. But that doesn't excuse my actions. There is a
girl code. Clearly I didn't care. And I didn't consider the one useful
bit of insight into the mind of guys that Adam had been beating into my
head since I met him. Even today I reiterate it to myself : If he's
interested, he'll make a move - no exceptions.
Unfortunately for me, it took sometime to realize that making a
physical move has nothing to do with being interested in a
relationship. So I went along with the hooking-up. In fact, I more than
went along with it, I often instigated it. And each time the next day
came we'd talk like it was nothing and would do the things that any "just -
friends" would do. He'd tell me about other girls he liked, he started
seeing Andrea again, and still I didn't get the hint.
I thought the problem was that he didn't know how I felt. (Another
thing I'd later learn is that I am an open book) So instead of taking it
all as useful life experience, I decide it would be wise to tell him
the whole story and let it all hang out.
Things were never quite the same after that for me. He took it as a bit of
shock, but didn't seem to let that effect how we were together. For a
while we pretended things would automatically go back to normal. And for
him they did, but you tell me what girl can continue to constantly
spend time with a guy who doesn't return her feelings, and still thinks
hooking up with eachother isn't a problem. Probably can't.
I finally got the message, nothing would change, and the current
situation wasn't working for me. So I walked away, and cut Adam out my
life completely. I deleted his email, removed him from MySpace (dating
myself) and facebook, and deleted his number from my phone. That worked
pretty well actually. I gradually forgot about him, the drunk texting -
having memorized his number- dwindled and soon enough his name became
one that rarely if ever crossed my lips.
The Lesson: If interested, he'll make the move.
Did I learn it: Probably not.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Think Bigger
Monday, January, 23, 2012
Location: Laying awake in Bed
40 Before 40
I loved working on the 30th Birthday Bucket List. One thing I learned for certain through my little experiment is that procrastination is the root of all failure. So... I decided I will give myself a little more advance notice and get an early start on the list for 40. This way, too, I can put a few more long term/bigger goals on the list.
Another thing I learned is that I enjoyed writing about the experiences - at least more so at the beginning when I wasn't feeling the pressure of finishing by the deadline. I don't want the blogging to become just another one of those things that I was really into for a month or so and then let fall by the wayside. So I am also going to try to maintain regular additions to my posting.
As for the 40 year list, I thought I'd take a stab at starting to come up with ideas. Today I was watching sa movie on TV, it was set in Rome and the idea of travel in general came to mind. I decided I wanted the main focus of my next list to be just that - travel. Right now I have 6 cities in mind. All in North America. I figure either once I get through these cities or when it's time to start the 50 year list, I will then be able to focus on Europe and Africa. Now of course should the opportunity arise to skip ahead to foreign places, I certainly won't be turning them down... I just think as far as plans go it's easier to have a geographic focus.
I know what you might be thinking right now, that I just turned 30, let's not jump the gun and wish years away. But that's not what I'm doing at all. I realize though that I've spent a lot of the last 10 years pretty unfocused. Aside from school I didn't have a clue as to what direction I was going, which step to take next. The decisions I made were no more than shots in the dark, random, with no rhyme or reason. And well, they haven't exactly led me, as of yet, to the place I want to be. So I decided I don't want to squander my time, I don't want to flounder around. I want action, I want to know where I'm going and have a specific plan on how to get there. Now if things change along the way, all the better - who doesn't enjoy a little spontaneity . But it doesn't hurt to have a good place to start. And having the chance to try the short version through the 30 before 30, I learned the valuable lesson that there's no time to waste, it feels good to have a check list, that if there are things I want to accomplish I need to figure out what they are and make a point to go after them.
So here goes nothing. Another Tentative List.
40 Before 40
Travel to the following Cities:
1. Seattle, Washington
2. Denver, Colorado
3. Washington, DC
4. New York, New York
5. Vancouver, British Columbia
6. Boston, Massachusetts
7. Nashville, Tennessee (added 11/19/12) - Visited September 2013
Possibilities, should the above locations be visited:
1. Giza, Egypt
2. London, England
3/4 Catania, Sicily/ Venice, Italy
5. Cape Town, South Africa
6. Paris, France
7. Sydney, Australia
Recreation:
1. Sky Dive
2. Learn to Ice Skate Backward
3. Restore Grandpa's Croquet Set - completed
Education:
1. Writing Class - completed Winter 2013
2. Master's Degree --- In progress
To Be Continued...
Location: Laying awake in Bed
40 Before 40
I loved working on the 30th Birthday Bucket List. One thing I learned for certain through my little experiment is that procrastination is the root of all failure. So... I decided I will give myself a little more advance notice and get an early start on the list for 40. This way, too, I can put a few more long term/bigger goals on the list.
Another thing I learned is that I enjoyed writing about the experiences - at least more so at the beginning when I wasn't feeling the pressure of finishing by the deadline. I don't want the blogging to become just another one of those things that I was really into for a month or so and then let fall by the wayside. So I am also going to try to maintain regular additions to my posting.
As for the 40 year list, I thought I'd take a stab at starting to come up with ideas. Today I was watching sa movie on TV, it was set in Rome and the idea of travel in general came to mind. I decided I wanted the main focus of my next list to be just that - travel. Right now I have 6 cities in mind. All in North America. I figure either once I get through these cities or when it's time to start the 50 year list, I will then be able to focus on Europe and Africa. Now of course should the opportunity arise to skip ahead to foreign places, I certainly won't be turning them down... I just think as far as plans go it's easier to have a geographic focus.
I know what you might be thinking right now, that I just turned 30, let's not jump the gun and wish years away. But that's not what I'm doing at all. I realize though that I've spent a lot of the last 10 years pretty unfocused. Aside from school I didn't have a clue as to what direction I was going, which step to take next. The decisions I made were no more than shots in the dark, random, with no rhyme or reason. And well, they haven't exactly led me, as of yet, to the place I want to be. So I decided I don't want to squander my time, I don't want to flounder around. I want action, I want to know where I'm going and have a specific plan on how to get there. Now if things change along the way, all the better - who doesn't enjoy a little spontaneity . But it doesn't hurt to have a good place to start. And having the chance to try the short version through the 30 before 30, I learned the valuable lesson that there's no time to waste, it feels good to have a check list, that if there are things I want to accomplish I need to figure out what they are and make a point to go after them.
So here goes nothing. Another Tentative List.
40 Before 40
Travel to the following Cities:
1. Seattle, Washington
2. Denver, Colorado
3. Washington, DC
4. New York, New York
5. Vancouver, British Columbia
6. Boston, Massachusetts
7. Nashville, Tennessee (added 11/19/12) - Visited September 2013
Possibilities, should the above locations be visited:
1. Giza, Egypt
2. London, England
3/4 Catania, Sicily/ Venice, Italy
5. Cape Town, South Africa
6. Paris, France
7. Sydney, Australia
Recreation:
1. Sky Dive
2. Learn to Ice Skate Backward
3. Restore Grandpa's Croquet Set - completed
Education:
1. Writing Class - completed Winter 2013
2. Master's Degree --- In progress
To Be Continued...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Higher Education
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Location: My Room
Task #29 Completely Research at Least Two Grad School Options
Wow, I realized I totally forgot to add this blog. Fail.
Anyway, after researching 4 schools at which I could possibly advance my creative writing education I realized I will need to take an intermediate step before going ahead into a degree program. I looked at Roosevelt University, UIC, Northeastern, and Triton.
Triton would be an option for the intermediate step. As for the other schools the primary concern is the writing samples and my undergrad degree. Since my undergrad degree is not in english I don't have many viable options for writing samples. Not to mention some a couple of the schools may not even consider my application without an English or English Education Degree. The next concern would be the cost. Roosevelt was pretty much out of the question cost wise. The others would be doable if I was 100% committed to spending my money wisely...
So it seems that a dry run would be in my best interest. Triton offers a series of online writing courses that would help me learn a little more about the process of writing, refine my scarce existing skills, and by default arm me with samples that I would be able to use toward my application to the degree program best suited for me. The classes are inexpensive and easily accessible. They start eacg month and last for 6 weeks. This is probably the smartest decision for me at this stage of the game.
Now if I could just get over this procrastination thing and register.
Location: My Room
Task #29 Completely Research at Least Two Grad School Options
Wow, I realized I totally forgot to add this blog. Fail.
Anyway, after researching 4 schools at which I could possibly advance my creative writing education I realized I will need to take an intermediate step before going ahead into a degree program. I looked at Roosevelt University, UIC, Northeastern, and Triton.
Triton would be an option for the intermediate step. As for the other schools the primary concern is the writing samples and my undergrad degree. Since my undergrad degree is not in english I don't have many viable options for writing samples. Not to mention some a couple of the schools may not even consider my application without an English or English Education Degree. The next concern would be the cost. Roosevelt was pretty much out of the question cost wise. The others would be doable if I was 100% committed to spending my money wisely...
So it seems that a dry run would be in my best interest. Triton offers a series of online writing courses that would help me learn a little more about the process of writing, refine my scarce existing skills, and by default arm me with samples that I would be able to use toward my application to the degree program best suited for me. The classes are inexpensive and easily accessible. They start eacg month and last for 6 weeks. This is probably the smartest decision for me at this stage of the game.
Now if I could just get over this procrastination thing and register.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Finished
Friday, January 20, 2012
Location: Jess' Apartment
Task #25 - Finish Blog
Well I did it! I accomplished all 30 tasks just in time - even though I had to switch a couple of them out and some tasks were, let's say, took some artistic license.
I have some photos I want to post, but I will add them once I have some celebration photos to add - if the weather doesn't stop the party!
I hope you all enjoyed following me on the ride, and a big thank you to everyone who helped me accomplish it all and took part in the fun!
A Fresh Look
Friday, January 20, 2012
Location: Jess' Apartment
Task # 24 Get a Facial
My face is as smooth as a baby's ass. Man, my sister is good! I love the little exfoliating machine, and all the scrubbing, and the massage. Best start to a birthday ever! I feel relaxed and brand new. All the while I got to be, safe and warm and out of the snow. All ready to party!
Let's hope I get a little lucky with the weather though, so the party doesn't get cancelled!
A New Dawn
Friday, January 20, 2012
Location: River Grove - Erie Street
Task # 11 Take a Hike at Dawn
Again with the procrastinating! I saved the hike at dawn for the morning of the 20th. Before 6a.m. I was up to witness the dawn of my 30th year. And it was cloudy. I hope that's not some kind of omen...
It was freezing outside. I think it was 7 degrees. And well I couldn't see to much, what with all the clouds again. So I snapped a pic of the gray sky, walked to the corner and shuffled back to the house. Hey I never said how long my hike should be...
I will say this though. The world sure does seem peaceful at 6a.m. Maybe one day, I'll spend more than 5 minutes hiking at dawn...
Location: River Grove - Erie Street
Task # 11 Take a Hike at Dawn
Again with the procrastinating! I saved the hike at dawn for the morning of the 20th. Before 6a.m. I was up to witness the dawn of my 30th year. And it was cloudy. I hope that's not some kind of omen...
It was freezing outside. I think it was 7 degrees. And well I couldn't see to much, what with all the clouds again. So I snapped a pic of the gray sky, walked to the corner and shuffled back to the house. Hey I never said how long my hike should be...
I will say this though. The world sure does seem peaceful at 6a.m. Maybe one day, I'll spend more than 5 minutes hiking at dawn...
Inked
Location: George Papas Tattoo
Task #13 Tattoo #2
So maybe 2nd time's the charm. Before we headed down I called ahead to make sure my appointment was still on. George assured me he would be ready and waiting, so we started the night the same way: met in edison park at 6:30 left a couple cars behind and headed down Devon to Clark Street. The waiting period between Tuesday and Thursday was much easier on me. I didn't spend it frantically debating what I was going to have done. I think my resolve came from stumbling upon Terese's facebook page somehow. I thought to myself that she would tell me to suck it up and go for it! So I was prepared, I was ready, and I had no reservations.
When I paid the meter this time, I told Nelly and Abbie not to go in ahead of me. I was afraid they'd go in and I'd stumble in on more bad news. So they waited, and we are shivered our way in together.
We had the shop to ourselves. Which calmed my worry about too many strangers seeing it all hang out.
We nearly had a glitch, George didn,t think he had the font I wanted. But luckily for me he found it. I told him how I'd had a dream that such a thing would happen. That I had so much anxiety about things not working out! He laughed, saying that the dream almost came true.
George is a pretty interesting guy, he has a lot of stories about his 21 plus years tattooing, and he makes you feel really comfortable before you get started and all along the way.
Before I knew it, it was time to get in the chair. I warned all the girls to avoid taking unpleasant pictures- no love handles please! George was like, "Please! I had a guy in here once who took down the chair. I thought we were having an earhquake!" I felt better after that.
Of course it hurt. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time. And we had a few laughing issues but avoided disaster. Over all, if I do say so myself, I think I took it like a man. Ha. And it was over, in much less time than I anticipated.
Then the cameras went into over drive as I squealed at the delight of my accomplishment. Of course almost instantly the pic was on fb and the comments started.
Afterward Nelly took the keys to my car and drove Jess, Abbie, and me to Jets for a celebratory drink.
I am very happy with the outcome and thankful that the girls were able to give it a second go with me!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Natural Wonder
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Location: Itasca - site of Laura's future house
Task #15 Drive to Where I Can See the Stars
Procrastination really is a terrible thing. So many nights there were plenty of stars, but down to the wire, we had no other choice but to make it work.
Around 10 o'clock we hopped in the car and headed to Laura's house in Itasca. Of course this was after much ribbing about being able to see stars right there in the city.
It was freezing that night. But we stopped for coffee on the way, and had our bottle of Arbor Mist complete with Solo Cups ready for some star gazing. When we pulled into the drive we decided to head to the pier for the best view.
Man was it cold. The snow was still lingering, frozen on the pier railings, enclosing a fallen tree. It was a beautiful scene. Of course it took some work to find the stars, but they were there.
"Look, straight up. There's one"
"Ooh, there's one, just to the left, and another right above it!"
The clouds tried to block us out, but we found those stars! We drank our Arbor Mist, shivering all the while, laughed at Jess' fear of the swooping crane, and took some silly pics (after I fumbled back to the car where I forgot my camera) .
After we finished the bottle in record time, we scurried back across the street to the house hopped back in the car and blasted the heat. Before we made it to the highway we were thawed out. Of course, we made some side trips first - which to respect Laura's wishes I won't name - but it didn't take long before we recovered from the excursion. Besides we had fun laughing, with just the silly adventure of it. I was glad Jess and Laura were such good sports about it!
Location: Itasca - site of Laura's future house
Task #15 Drive to Where I Can See the Stars
Procrastination really is a terrible thing. So many nights there were plenty of stars, but down to the wire, we had no other choice but to make it work.
Around 10 o'clock we hopped in the car and headed to Laura's house in Itasca. Of course this was after much ribbing about being able to see stars right there in the city.
It was freezing that night. But we stopped for coffee on the way, and had our bottle of Arbor Mist complete with Solo Cups ready for some star gazing. When we pulled into the drive we decided to head to the pier for the best view.
Man was it cold. The snow was still lingering, frozen on the pier railings, enclosing a fallen tree. It was a beautiful scene. Of course it took some work to find the stars, but they were there.
"Look, straight up. There's one"
"Ooh, there's one, just to the left, and another right above it!"
The clouds tried to block us out, but we found those stars! We drank our Arbor Mist, shivering all the while, laughed at Jess' fear of the swooping crane, and took some silly pics (after I fumbled back to the car where I forgot my camera) .
After we finished the bottle in record time, we scurried back across the street to the house hopped back in the car and blasted the heat. Before we made it to the highway we were thawed out. Of course, we made some side trips first - which to respect Laura's wishes I won't name - but it didn't take long before we recovered from the excursion. Besides we had fun laughing, with just the silly adventure of it. I was glad Jess and Laura were such good sports about it!
Cut and Run...Oh Wait for the Dirty Rotten Thieves to Leave
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Location: Resurrection Hospital Emergency Room Parking Lot
Task #7 Do an Anonymous Good Deed
I have to state for the record that I was opposed to the idea of blogging this task. Anonymous means anonymous; it implies the prerequisite that I be the only one who knew I was responsible for the deed in question. However, Nic reasoned that as long as the person on the receiving end of the good deed didn't know the source it still qualified as anonymous. I suppose for the purpose of this blog's entire concept I will have to accept that logic.
But let me start at the beginning. Tuesday night Nelly, Abbie, Nic, Jess, Julie and I all rushed to meet at my aunts after work. We wanted to leave the extra cars there since it was on the way to George's shop. After worrying all day that we'd be running behind and stuck in horrendous traffic, we made it to Clark and Devon in record time. Jess and I had to pay the meter, so we came in late on the bad news. Apparently good ole George had scheduled someone right before my appointment and the piece was taking a lot longer than he first anticipated. He wouldn't be able to do my tattoo.
Jess took the news worse than anyone. And not so quietly started saying things like, "Seriously? You guys are joking right? How the HELL does someone run a business like that! That is SO unprofessional!" This went on through me smacking her, repeating "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
Apparently she thinks I have trouble sticking up for myself, but honestly I believe it was in my best interest not to piss off the guy that would be holding a needle to my back...eventually.
Don't get me wrong I was a little upset that we had gone all that way, that we rushed, that my friends had taken time out of their night to go with me.I was annoyed that he would schedule such a large tattoo so close to another appointment, but let's be serious he wasn't going to turn down a big job, especially for my relatively small one. I was also disappointed that I had to wait, that I had 2 more days to obsess over the details, to psych myself up all over again, but mostly I felt bad for wasting eveyone's time. We didn't want to go to another shop because we knew we'd pay a lot more anywhere else. Plus a few of my friends had tattoos done by George, so I trusted he would do a good job.
So while still reeling from the unexpected blow at the tattoo shop, we drove home wracking our brains to figure out how to salvage the evening by at least accomplishing another task on my list. "Do an Anonymous Good Deed" was really our only option.
Unfortunately for Nelly, she had homework to do - that procrastinator (J/K) - and missed the fun that ensued. It was pretty much the moment she got out of the car that Abbie came up with an ingenious plan. I had $20 on me - a tip I was going to give George. And Abbie suggested that I stick the money under someones windshield wiper. I thought it was an excellent idea. It was anonymous, it was a deed for a stranger, and we'd definitely be able to accomplish it that night. Then Abbie added that the car should be in a Church parking lot! Double Good Deed! I was pumped. It sounded like a fun little scavenger hunt.
Jess thought $20 was a little much to leave on a strangers car, especially considering it could blow away. So we decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts to grab coffee and make change. Nic brought up a good point, maybe there wouldnt be many cars on a Tuesday night in a church parking lot, if not we should check out the hospital lot. Then after writing the note I was going to leave with the money, which said "Spend me in good health", I figured the hospital was a perfect idea, we should go there outright.
So we headed out, found a pair of scissors, thanks to my junk drawer of a car, and a vehicle sticker shield to serve as tape. We decided the emergency room lot was the best bet, since there would be cars there, and they wouldn't sit there overnight. After driving down a couple lanes we finally found a car that fit the "crappy" description we were looking for - an old white Lumina with patches of paint missing. I pulled the car around the aisle so it would be closer to the front of our pick, Jess telling me to hop out real quick before I even had the car in park. I ran to the car quickly, afraid to check for unintended spectators, and stuck the money and note under the wiper blade, pressed the tape to the windshield and ran back to the car.
Then in a frantic rush I took Abbie's phone and tried to take a picture as evidence for the blog, only to realize that there was someone sitting in the car next to the target. I ran back to the car, not wanting to be seen, only taking a picture from too far away. Then I made Jess take one. She crept right up to the windshield and got our proof, spectator and all.
A few times in the process people came out of the ER. We waited to make sure they weren't going to the car we were "vandalizing", each time breathing a sigh of relief when they went off in a different direction. Then a couple of "hoodlums" came toward the car - the one running right next to where we left the money. The driver was still in the car. They took forever to get in and then sat there. We started to worry they noticed something on the windshield of the car next to them. We threw out ideas of what they were possibly thinking about what they saw, what the driver thought we were doing when we took the pictures. Maybe they suspected we were playing a prank on a friend, or vandalizing the car for real. Or worse! Maybe they noticed the money and were still sitting in the car waiting until we left so they could steal it! ( like $10 is oh so tempting). We also pondered what the owner of our targeted car would think when he/she came outside: "Am I being punked?", "Is someone watching?", "Shit, Did I get a ticket?", "Where's Ashton Kutcher?" I hoped that we got lucky enough to pick someone who needed gas money, and they came out to find just enough waiting for them.
Finally, after a few minutes of waiting the other car pulled out. We decided it would be best for us to go as well, in keeping with the anonymous theme we couldn't let the good deed recipient spot us. As we followed the loiterers out of the lot I called after them, "That's right, time to leave, you dirty rotten thieves!" Everyone started laughing as we wound back out the ER path out to Talcot, but Abbie pointed out that they hadn't actually stolen anything. And we all laughed some more.
I guess we'll never know how it turned out, what ran through that car owner's head, if they even found the note and bill. But I had a lot of fun with just a simple good deed and found myself wanting to spend the rest of the night hunting for cars that looked like their owners could use some extra cash. Even not knowing, and without a thank you, it felt good to help a stranger, just hoping we put a smile on someone's face.
Location: Resurrection Hospital Emergency Room Parking Lot
Task #7 Do an Anonymous Good Deed
I have to state for the record that I was opposed to the idea of blogging this task. Anonymous means anonymous; it implies the prerequisite that I be the only one who knew I was responsible for the deed in question. However, Nic reasoned that as long as the person on the receiving end of the good deed didn't know the source it still qualified as anonymous. I suppose for the purpose of this blog's entire concept I will have to accept that logic.
But let me start at the beginning. Tuesday night Nelly, Abbie, Nic, Jess, Julie and I all rushed to meet at my aunts after work. We wanted to leave the extra cars there since it was on the way to George's shop. After worrying all day that we'd be running behind and stuck in horrendous traffic, we made it to Clark and Devon in record time. Jess and I had to pay the meter, so we came in late on the bad news. Apparently good ole George had scheduled someone right before my appointment and the piece was taking a lot longer than he first anticipated. He wouldn't be able to do my tattoo.
Jess took the news worse than anyone. And not so quietly started saying things like, "Seriously? You guys are joking right? How the HELL does someone run a business like that! That is SO unprofessional!" This went on through me smacking her, repeating "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
Apparently she thinks I have trouble sticking up for myself, but honestly I believe it was in my best interest not to piss off the guy that would be holding a needle to my back...eventually.
Don't get me wrong I was a little upset that we had gone all that way, that we rushed, that my friends had taken time out of their night to go with me.I was annoyed that he would schedule such a large tattoo so close to another appointment, but let's be serious he wasn't going to turn down a big job, especially for my relatively small one. I was also disappointed that I had to wait, that I had 2 more days to obsess over the details, to psych myself up all over again, but mostly I felt bad for wasting eveyone's time. We didn't want to go to another shop because we knew we'd pay a lot more anywhere else. Plus a few of my friends had tattoos done by George, so I trusted he would do a good job.
So while still reeling from the unexpected blow at the tattoo shop, we drove home wracking our brains to figure out how to salvage the evening by at least accomplishing another task on my list. "Do an Anonymous Good Deed" was really our only option.
Unfortunately for Nelly, she had homework to do - that procrastinator (J/K) - and missed the fun that ensued. It was pretty much the moment she got out of the car that Abbie came up with an ingenious plan. I had $20 on me - a tip I was going to give George. And Abbie suggested that I stick the money under someones windshield wiper. I thought it was an excellent idea. It was anonymous, it was a deed for a stranger, and we'd definitely be able to accomplish it that night. Then Abbie added that the car should be in a Church parking lot! Double Good Deed! I was pumped. It sounded like a fun little scavenger hunt.
Jess thought $20 was a little much to leave on a strangers car, especially considering it could blow away. So we decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts to grab coffee and make change. Nic brought up a good point, maybe there wouldnt be many cars on a Tuesday night in a church parking lot, if not we should check out the hospital lot. Then after writing the note I was going to leave with the money, which said "Spend me in good health", I figured the hospital was a perfect idea, we should go there outright.
So we headed out, found a pair of scissors, thanks to my junk drawer of a car, and a vehicle sticker shield to serve as tape. We decided the emergency room lot was the best bet, since there would be cars there, and they wouldn't sit there overnight. After driving down a couple lanes we finally found a car that fit the "crappy" description we were looking for - an old white Lumina with patches of paint missing. I pulled the car around the aisle so it would be closer to the front of our pick, Jess telling me to hop out real quick before I even had the car in park. I ran to the car quickly, afraid to check for unintended spectators, and stuck the money and note under the wiper blade, pressed the tape to the windshield and ran back to the car.
Then in a frantic rush I took Abbie's phone and tried to take a picture as evidence for the blog, only to realize that there was someone sitting in the car next to the target. I ran back to the car, not wanting to be seen, only taking a picture from too far away. Then I made Jess take one. She crept right up to the windshield and got our proof, spectator and all.
A few times in the process people came out of the ER. We waited to make sure they weren't going to the car we were "vandalizing", each time breathing a sigh of relief when they went off in a different direction. Then a couple of "hoodlums" came toward the car - the one running right next to where we left the money. The driver was still in the car. They took forever to get in and then sat there. We started to worry they noticed something on the windshield of the car next to them. We threw out ideas of what they were possibly thinking about what they saw, what the driver thought we were doing when we took the pictures. Maybe they suspected we were playing a prank on a friend, or vandalizing the car for real. Or worse! Maybe they noticed the money and were still sitting in the car waiting until we left so they could steal it! ( like $10 is oh so tempting). We also pondered what the owner of our targeted car would think when he/she came outside: "Am I being punked?", "Is someone watching?", "Shit, Did I get a ticket?", "Where's Ashton Kutcher?" I hoped that we got lucky enough to pick someone who needed gas money, and they came out to find just enough waiting for them.
Finally, after a few minutes of waiting the other car pulled out. We decided it would be best for us to go as well, in keeping with the anonymous theme we couldn't let the good deed recipient spot us. As we followed the loiterers out of the lot I called after them, "That's right, time to leave, you dirty rotten thieves!" Everyone started laughing as we wound back out the ER path out to Talcot, but Abbie pointed out that they hadn't actually stolen anything. And we all laughed some more.
I guess we'll never know how it turned out, what ran through that car owner's head, if they even found the note and bill. But I had a lot of fun with just a simple good deed and found myself wanting to spend the rest of the night hunting for cars that looked like their owners could use some extra cash. Even not knowing, and without a thank you, it felt good to help a stranger, just hoping we put a smile on someone's face.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Blogger
Monday, January 2, 2012, Wednesday, January 11, 2012, Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Location: Home
Task #23 Add 5 Blog Posts Unrelated to This List
I decided to add this task to the list thinking that it would motivate me to practice some "real" writing. That I would come up with interesting topics, story lines, or even poetry. I thought it would be easy, that I wouldn't be able to stop, the posts pages and pages long. It's difficult, though, to come up with topics on command. I think of the 5 that I added, the post I'm most proud of is the last one, "Life Goes On". And that one I came up with because I got a letter from the Secretary of State and I overheard my Dad asking about it.Random.
As I wrote that one though, I found I had a lot to say. It was a topic I am really passionate about. And that may be the trick. Writing for me has to be about more than forcing an issue or trying to pull a plot out of thin air. Deep interest, personal relevance, and passion make for a much more interesting read. It sure makes it a lot easier to know what to say and how to say it.
Sometimes, though, I tend to think that people want to hear my tirades or wallowing. That can complicated the topic selection. It can also enable a heavy filter, which only further dilutes the substance of a piece of writing. But again when it comes to passion, worrying about what others will think tends to fade from focus.
If you notice from the above dates, I finished this tasks over a few days. In between adding posts I did some thinking. trying to figure out what to write about is a process all its own. I tried to figure out what was important to me, what had been on my mind, or maybe even what had been going on that week - aside from bucket list work. It was difficult. I found myself going through an old writer's notebook from college. I read through the step of the writing project we did for class, re-read over and over the positive peer reviews I received for my work and felt a bit rejuvenated. I thought maybe not for the blog, but for future side attempts at writing I would go back to this same process, figuring it may yield similar results and perhaps help me go one step further. In relation to the blog, however, the encouraging comments from my classmates and instructor gave my confidence a slight boost. I anxiously waited for an idea to strike, to get the chance to sit an hammer out something worth reading.
Like I said, it came together in "Life Goes On" . I hope you got something out of it too. And in my hunt to complete this task, I found new motivation ( re-motivation?) to keep going.
- "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." -
Location: Home
Task #23 Add 5 Blog Posts Unrelated to This List
I decided to add this task to the list thinking that it would motivate me to practice some "real" writing. That I would come up with interesting topics, story lines, or even poetry. I thought it would be easy, that I wouldn't be able to stop, the posts pages and pages long. It's difficult, though, to come up with topics on command. I think of the 5 that I added, the post I'm most proud of is the last one, "Life Goes On". And that one I came up with because I got a letter from the Secretary of State and I overheard my Dad asking about it.Random.
As I wrote that one though, I found I had a lot to say. It was a topic I am really passionate about. And that may be the trick. Writing for me has to be about more than forcing an issue or trying to pull a plot out of thin air. Deep interest, personal relevance, and passion make for a much more interesting read. It sure makes it a lot easier to know what to say and how to say it.
Sometimes, though, I tend to think that people want to hear my tirades or wallowing. That can complicated the topic selection. It can also enable a heavy filter, which only further dilutes the substance of a piece of writing. But again when it comes to passion, worrying about what others will think tends to fade from focus.
If you notice from the above dates, I finished this tasks over a few days. In between adding posts I did some thinking. trying to figure out what to write about is a process all its own. I tried to figure out what was important to me, what had been on my mind, or maybe even what had been going on that week - aside from bucket list work. It was difficult. I found myself going through an old writer's notebook from college. I read through the step of the writing project we did for class, re-read over and over the positive peer reviews I received for my work and felt a bit rejuvenated. I thought maybe not for the blog, but for future side attempts at writing I would go back to this same process, figuring it may yield similar results and perhaps help me go one step further. In relation to the blog, however, the encouraging comments from my classmates and instructor gave my confidence a slight boost. I anxiously waited for an idea to strike, to get the chance to sit an hammer out something worth reading.
Like I said, it came together in "Life Goes On" . I hope you got something out of it too. And in my hunt to complete this task, I found new motivation ( re-motivation?) to keep going.
- "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." -
Master Cleanse
Monday, January 16, 2012
Location: My Bedroom
Task #2 Spring Clean My Room
Well it's official. I am a pack rat. I can't, for the life of me, get rid of some of the most unnecessary things. I went through my closet my make shift wardrobe, my night stand, and all the papers sitting on my desk and eliminated very little of my horde. Everything I pulled out had either sentimental value or possible potential and went right back where I got it from, except possibly in a slightly neater fashion. It's hard to part with stuff. I always wind up thinking there will be that one occasion one day in the future where the item I'm contemplating tossing will come in handy and I will be angry for wasting it. I also have a nasty habit of reading every piece of paper I come across, loose or in a journal, and most likely end up shoving it in the envelop of "important" papers, that will in reality, never be read again ( at least not until I attempt to "spring clean" again). So as you can imagine the cleaning process was rather long and drawn out. I actually took several days to accomplish very little. It's a good thing I didn't venture to the back of my closet, full of old bedding that doesn't even fit my mattress. Besides you never know when that stuff is going to come in handy!
However, I did manage to start a give away bag that consists mainly of things that are totally out of date, won't fit me in any near future, or existed in duplicate. Trust me the bag isn't half way full. But at the very least I was able to get rid of a bunch of garbage and organized the make up, jewelry, and random art/office supplies clumped together in bags and drawers. And now, I can walk in a clear path to every corner of my room. I guess that's something.
Location: My Bedroom
Task #2 Spring Clean My Room
Well it's official. I am a pack rat. I can't, for the life of me, get rid of some of the most unnecessary things. I went through my closet my make shift wardrobe, my night stand, and all the papers sitting on my desk and eliminated very little of my horde. Everything I pulled out had either sentimental value or possible potential and went right back where I got it from, except possibly in a slightly neater fashion. It's hard to part with stuff. I always wind up thinking there will be that one occasion one day in the future where the item I'm contemplating tossing will come in handy and I will be angry for wasting it. I also have a nasty habit of reading every piece of paper I come across, loose or in a journal, and most likely end up shoving it in the envelop of "important" papers, that will in reality, never be read again ( at least not until I attempt to "spring clean" again). So as you can imagine the cleaning process was rather long and drawn out. I actually took several days to accomplish very little. It's a good thing I didn't venture to the back of my closet, full of old bedding that doesn't even fit my mattress. Besides you never know when that stuff is going to come in handy!
However, I did manage to start a give away bag that consists mainly of things that are totally out of date, won't fit me in any near future, or existed in duplicate. Trust me the bag isn't half way full. But at the very least I was able to get rid of a bunch of garbage and organized the make up, jewelry, and random art/office supplies clumped together in bags and drawers. And now, I can walk in a clear path to every corner of my room. I guess that's something.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Go Ahead, I Dare You
Friday, January 13, 2012
Location: Wildfire - Oakbrook
Task #17 Take a Dare
So we sit down at dinner. Wildfire. Not the fanciest of places but it's still slightly embarrassing when it looks like you've peed on yourself after Jess spills her water all in your lap the minute you sit down. May I mention, too, that it was not exactly comfortable sitting through dinner slightly damp? But we made the most of it none the less. My boss had just given me $100 gift card for the restaurant so we were looking forward to having a feast.
On the way I told Jess and Julie that I still needed to take a dare. Julie thought it would be a good idea to dare me to pee in the snow. Well, seen as it looked like I peed on myself by dinner, I may as well have said I took that dare, but I like to think I have a little more class than that (which you all know I do). So after we ordered I was still dare-less.
The artichoke fondu appetizer came - a little disappointing - and my sisters soup came, along with the standard bread. Julie again tried to dare me to eat the strange bread with raisins etc, and I, not catching on, was all, "Julie, I'm not eating the bread. I've had it before I don't feel like it." She rolled her eyes at me, and tried again.
"Jenny, I dare you to try Jess' soup!"
I looked at her bowl and made that face I make when I see food I don't like. And when I say
"food I don't like" I mean something I've never tried and just decided it must be terrible based solely on it's appearance and implied texture. So Julie knew she had me, and Jess jumped on board. I couldn't refuse or it would be a huge fail. Oh did I mention it was shrimp bisque soup?
Yea so I puckered up and slurped some shrimp bisque. Now, I like shrimp, soup, in general, not so much, but my lord this tasted fishy. It was chunky and lumpy and the after taste...ick! Maybe a taste ok, or even dipping bread or pita in it might be ok. But I could never eat a whole bowl of that. I still shutter thinking about it... Did I mention: ick!
Later, Julie regretted wasting her dare. After mentioning the waiter was cute, she tried to dare me to ask him out. "Oh, Julie! You should have held out for that dare!" Jess told her after she realized it was much better than the soup thing. I laughed a little smugly at my good fortune, avoiding further public humiliation. And at least now I can add a new item to the Food-I-Actually-Don't-Like List. And for the rest of you, hoping to dare me to do something, sorry, too late!
Location: Wildfire - Oakbrook
Task #17 Take a Dare
So we sit down at dinner. Wildfire. Not the fanciest of places but it's still slightly embarrassing when it looks like you've peed on yourself after Jess spills her water all in your lap the minute you sit down. May I mention, too, that it was not exactly comfortable sitting through dinner slightly damp? But we made the most of it none the less. My boss had just given me $100 gift card for the restaurant so we were looking forward to having a feast.
On the way I told Jess and Julie that I still needed to take a dare. Julie thought it would be a good idea to dare me to pee in the snow. Well, seen as it looked like I peed on myself by dinner, I may as well have said I took that dare, but I like to think I have a little more class than that (which you all know I do). So after we ordered I was still dare-less.
The artichoke fondu appetizer came - a little disappointing - and my sisters soup came, along with the standard bread. Julie again tried to dare me to eat the strange bread with raisins etc, and I, not catching on, was all, "Julie, I'm not eating the bread. I've had it before I don't feel like it." She rolled her eyes at me, and tried again.
"Jenny, I dare you to try Jess' soup!"
I looked at her bowl and made that face I make when I see food I don't like. And when I say
"food I don't like" I mean something I've never tried and just decided it must be terrible based solely on it's appearance and implied texture. So Julie knew she had me, and Jess jumped on board. I couldn't refuse or it would be a huge fail. Oh did I mention it was shrimp bisque soup?
Yea so I puckered up and slurped some shrimp bisque. Now, I like shrimp, soup, in general, not so much, but my lord this tasted fishy. It was chunky and lumpy and the after taste...ick! Maybe a taste ok, or even dipping bread or pita in it might be ok. But I could never eat a whole bowl of that. I still shutter thinking about it... Did I mention: ick!
Later, Julie regretted wasting her dare. After mentioning the waiter was cute, she tried to dare me to ask him out. "Oh, Julie! You should have held out for that dare!" Jess told her after she realized it was much better than the soup thing. I laughed a little smugly at my good fortune, avoiding further public humiliation. And at least now I can add a new item to the Food-I-Actually-Don't-Like List. And for the rest of you, hoping to dare me to do something, sorry, too late!
I Wouldn't Have the Nerve
Friday, January 13, 2012
Location: Norstrom Rack
Task # 27 Buy an Outfit that "Isn't Me"
We thought we were heading to Wildfire to "see the stars", but were running a tad early, due to my ill-fated snowboarding plan. My sister was asking me which bucket list items I had left. I mentioned at some point I would need to buy an outfit that "wasn't me", and that I would most likely need some help.
Jess had an excellent idea. We weren't far from Butterfield Rd, and still had 45 minutes until the stores closed. She suggested we go to Nordstrom Rack and see if we couldn't fulfill one of the goals.
I swear I have never shopped so fast, relying pretty much entirely on my sister's taste. I was surprised she didn't try to get me in something glitter, and was surprised how much I liked her suggestions.
The funny thing is, it's not that the outfit is totally "un-me", it's that I never would have thought to put it together, and had I somehow come upon it on my own (aka saw it on a mannequin), I never would have had the nerve to buy it (or wear it). I realize I do enjoy the trendy more than I would have guessed, I just need someone with the right eye, a confidence booster in the risk department. And the more I think about it, the outfit I left with is me, the me I don't let out very often. Now the wearing it part still remains to be seen ( I promise a pic will go up soon), but I'm really looking forward to it!
Thanks, Jess, for bringing out the hipster in me!
Thanks, Jess, for bringing out the hipster in me!
Sianara Macy's Monthly Statements
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Location: Home
Task #20 Pay off Macy's Card
There's really not much to say about this one. I sucked it up and paid it off. That weekend I may not have gone out to an expensive dinner or bought a fancy dress with heals I can't walk in, but it was money well spent. Now I have one less monthly payment to think about. And I'm looking forward to taking a more aggressive approach to getting out of debt!
Domesticated
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Location: Home
Task #12
I hate cooking. I still maintain that. And I'm not very crafty about it. But I know that when push comes to shove I can call my mom and she'll tell me how to set the stove so I can make myself a meal. Or even something that is fit to serve others - just in case they would starve otherwise.
I made steak and potatoes, which took all of 20 minutes to make - and that includes setting the table.
Started with preparing the meat - trimming the fat, seasoning with garlic salt and oregano, and tossed them in the oven. And I gladly took the cheat of baking the potatoes in the microwave after stabbing them over and over to make air holes. And viola! Set the table, throw some bread out, some butter, and we had a meal.
My mom thinks I'm going to make them dinner once a week... um... False.
All that work for the results of your efforts to be eaten and gone! It's really not hard, but I hate it.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Like a Truck Driver Continued
So it turns out we got some snow after all. So I will make the snowboarding attempt afterall. Ican't promise I will go down the hill more than once, or that I won't fail miserably, falling down the hill instead. I just hope I don't break a leg before broomball. After the attempt I'll figure out which task I am going to trade out. Cross you're fingers I report back in one piece!
Cancel that. Couldn't find the snowboard, which gave me the perfect opportunity to chicken out. But I completed 2 other tasks instead!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sharks VS Wild
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Location: Nicolette's House
Task #21 Watch an Entire Game of any Sport in which No Chicago Teams Play
San Jose Sharks vs. Minnesota Wild
I really wanted to prove myself here, as an actual sports fan. Not just another girl who "claims" to like sports just to be cool. I wanted to sit down, and for nothing more than the love of the game, watch two teams in which I have no vested interest.
I learned something interesting. I just don't care enough.
Don't get me wrong, the game was still interesting, and at times exciting - the fights, watching Niemi get wailed on in the net. But I found myself more distracted by the conversation in the room, than I would had it been a Blackhawks game. I couldn't focus.
I hate that. I hate when people say they only like to watch a game if their favorite team is playing. I refuse to be that person. I mean if that is the case, then you don't really like the sport right? Maybe you just get caught up in that team mentality, the one that tells you if your home team wins, then somehow you win. But you don't love the sport, because if you loved the sport, you'd simply watch for the sport's sake not the teams playing.
I've never been a stat person. I can sometimes remember if an athlete has broken some record, and I will remember the greats, but stats and I don't get along. Maybe that makes it more difficult for me to know what I am looking for in a team that I don't have an "attachment" to. If you don't know the players, haven't memorized their numbers, and can't tell that #10 (Sharp) just scored on a fast break thanks to #7's (Seabrook) amazing defensive skills, it's a lot more difficult to keep track of what's going on. The same rules still apply obviously, similar strategies but you may not know who the defenseman is looking to pass to, because you don't know who the top shooter is, or the winger with the sneaky moves. And you may miss the action.
Last night for instance, I didn't really want either team to win. The Sharks are a good team. Watching the Hawks play them is a big deal, it's fast, physical, exciting. The Wild have been playing well this year also, and for a while were giving the Hawks a work over, neck and neck for hold of the top spot in the league. So I judged the game in context of the Hawks, making neither team seem too appealing. In the end Nicolette and I reasoned that it would be better for the Wild to lose. Perhaps, it's more likely the Hawks would be battling them for a wild card spot come play off time. But again, a decision based on the best scenario for our home team.
Earlier in the fall, I had some more experimentation with this whole concept during the regular football season. I have never been a big football fan. I guess for me all the stopping and going, stopping and going, got a little tedious. But this past season was the first year I was a part of fantasy football. When we did the draft all the way back in August I had virtually no idea who I was picking for my team. I had gotten some good tips, some names of stand out players I recognized, but for the most part I went down the list of top ranked players per position from the cheat sheet I printed out. There really wasn't much more strategy to it than that.
But over the course of the season I grew to learn who the players were. I learned who I needed to play (for the most part), who probably didn't deserve another chance to screw me over, and which other teams I needed to watch out for. All in all I did pretty well for not wanting to play in the first place (1st in the division, 2nd place after the Super Bowl). And all of us girls picked up more info about random players than we ever thought we could. On top of that we enjoyed the process, and are anxiously awaiting next season's draft because we actually know which players we want to grab.
I think that draw, the competition, the investment is what made watching other teams enjoyable. I would sit and watch most of a Packers/Steelers game because I had Roethisburger on one side and Finley on the other. I wanted to see them scoring points on top of points, making pass after pass, all the while tracking my FF score. I'd watch the games my competitors had stakes in, to see how it affected the possible outcome of our match-up. And I'd do this incessantly, almost obsessively. It was to the point that my sister muttered constantly, " I can't wait for this season to be over! Jenny, please don't join next year."
Now that the FF season is over though, I don't think I've watched a playoff game yet. I no longer have a stake in it. I wouldn't be opposed to watching, I wouldn't be opposed to watching almost any sport, but I also wouldn't make it a point to watch. However, now that I know a little more about the game, and that goes for football and hockey, I probably would get more out of watching than before and be more likely to enjoy paying attention.
It's funny, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with basketball, I watched all the games, sported a Charlotte Hornets T-Shirt ( like I actually knew any better), and idolized Charles Barkley (I know he never played for the Hornets or the Bulls, but I loved him). Of course the obsession was fueled by 6 Chicago Championships and the Dream Team in the first pro-athlete-participation Olympics. Now, I want nothing to do with basketball. I just don't care. I feel like the game has changed, the players are more celeb millionaire wannabes than athletes (with the exception of Blake Griffin, whom I love), and after watching Jordan and Bird, Magic, Barkley, the Mailman and David Robinson play, what else is there to see? Now if someone was to turn on the Bulls, I wouldn't tell them to turn it off, but I also wouldn't know more than 2 players on the team.
Unfortunately I have also drifted from baseball, out of boredom maybe after being introduced to hockey. Long gone are the days I'd sit and watch the Mariners just to see Griffey, or since I memorized the batting order. I don't run home anymore to turn on the Cubs games in the spring ( which I first loathed for preempting Saved by the Bell), or insist AM720 play if we had to be in the car. But hopefully that will turn around. I will give Theo a chance to prove himself to Chicago, maybe change the way we think of Chicago baseball. But none of that is really the point. I realized I have diverged from the topic. My dwindled enthusiasm for these two sports are due to very different reasons then the one I had in the beginning of this long winded novel.
As for the original matter at hand, you can't say this is all a girl thing, the need to have some investment in a specific game. I have heard my dad say over and over, " I just can't watch a game without a Chicago team in it. It's boring. There's no point". So any of you guys out there, who may be reading this, you can't use that as your rationale.
I think for most people there has to be some vested interest in either the game as a whole or at least one of the teams. That interest though may range anywhere from a bet, knowing the outcome in the context of the big picture, a game of two outstandingly ranked rivals, learning plays to use as a coach, scouting players (for fantasy leagues or otherwise), all the way down to rooting for the home team or alma mater. I suppose there are people that enjoy any game, any team, any time.
And perhaps it's like with my fantasy football experience, the more time I give it, the more exposure I have to different teams and players the more I will enjoy other watching other games, the greater appreciation I will have for the sport in question.
A lot of people have favorite teams that aren't from their home town, but then again, that is still creating a vested interest. Maybe I am looking at this entirely too closely, but finding a new favorite team, which might come out of giving visitor teams a chance, doesn't necessarily mean your a fan simply of the sport. It could just mean you're a fair-weather fan and have chosen whichever team is on top. Or you're a wagon jumper. Being a true fan of the sport would require taking joy in watching no name players simply to marvel at their skill/talent/innovation. Maybe that's why college sports are a good outlet for purists. Well, that's a whole other can of worms I'm not going to open. So I'll just end with this: Although my latest attempt to watch a game in which no Chicago team played was not a completely successful endeavor, I will continue to make the attempts. I will keep my eyes peeled and my mind focused and try to appreciate all sports have to offer.
Where Kids Come First
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Location: Children's Memorial Hospital
Task # 28 Make a Charitable Donation
So after my no-swearing debacle - as noted in the previous blog - I had $35 to donate to the charity of my choice. A few weeks ago I had seen an ad for a calendar for which all procedes would go to Children's Memorial Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House. I had wanted to buy one anyway, but, of course, due to my procrastinating nature, I never got around to it.
So now that I had $35 to get rid of, and have previously benefitted from the amazing things they do at Children's, I thought this was a perfect fit. Purchasing the calendar even buys you a raffle ticket for a cash prize drawing.
Now before you call bullshit, and say this is a huge cheat, know that the calendar was only $25. That left me with $10 to donate. And conveniently enough, on the order form for the calendar there is a place to add an additional donation. So I added $10 to the box, and sent my $35 merrily on it's way to benefitting kids and families that are in the position I and my own family once were. It was a nice coming-full-circle task.
If any of you would like your own calendar or to donate as well here is the link!http://www.calendarraffleforkids.org/calendar.php
Location: Children's Memorial Hospital
Task # 28 Make a Charitable Donation
So after my no-swearing debacle - as noted in the previous blog - I had $35 to donate to the charity of my choice. A few weeks ago I had seen an ad for a calendar for which all procedes would go to Children's Memorial Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House. I had wanted to buy one anyway, but, of course, due to my procrastinating nature, I never got around to it.
So now that I had $35 to get rid of, and have previously benefitted from the amazing things they do at Children's, I thought this was a perfect fit. Purchasing the calendar even buys you a raffle ticket for a cash prize drawing.
Now before you call bullshit, and say this is a huge cheat, know that the calendar was only $25. That left me with $10 to donate. And conveniently enough, on the order form for the calendar there is a place to add an additional donation. So I added $10 to the box, and sent my $35 merrily on it's way to benefitting kids and families that are in the position I and my own family once were. It was a nice coming-full-circle task.
If any of you would like your own calendar or to donate as well here is the link!http://www.calendarraffleforkids.org/calendar.php
Like a Truck Driver
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Location: Car/Work/Car/Home/Car/Nicolette's/Home
Task # 10 - For Each Time I Swear, in a 24 hr Period, Put a Dollar in the "Swear Jar"
Due to record breaking lack of snow, it seemed improbable that I would be able to complete the snowboarding task. So I decided to swap it.
My mother is constantly telling me that I swear like a truck driver so I thought, "Hey, why don't I use a task to try to curb the bad habbit a bit?"
Originally I decided that I would keep track of each time I swore during the day, trying to remain conscious enough to avoid it, and for each time I slipped I would have to put a dollar into my savings account. A win win.
Then my mom suggested that I donate the money instead. It would be an extra motivator to have to give up the money altogether rather than putting it in my savings. And the bonus of that is the chance to kill two birds with one stone: task # 28 Make a Charitable donation. So I gave it a go.
Road rage is an issue of mine, so naturally I found myself swearing at the semi taking its dear sweet time turning onto Manheim. That was 1. Then at lunch I swore while venting to Lauren about something from earlier in the week, and after realizing I dropped the F-bomb I blurted "Damn" at my failier and "Damn!" for doing it again. Then We both burst into uncontrollable laughter.
Lunch wasn't the only occurance. My swearing multiplied when I was driving home, when I was telling a story to Nicolette, while I watched the hockey game. All in all I tallied 32 expletives, and that was what I caught... I decided to round it off to a solid $35, to compensate any I may have missed. But you will hear more about the recipient of my fines in that blog.
I realized that all too easy I let the four letter words fly, it's reflexive, almost natural. It really is a terrible habbit, that in order to break myself of, will take a LOT of concentration. Wish me Luck!@&*%
Recién Cazado
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Location: Dagmara's House
Task #6 - Watch a Foreign Film
Sometimes things don't go as planned. Sometimes they turn out better than you expect anyway. Last Wednesday the plan was to meet at 9 at Dagmara's to watch a foreign film of our choice from Netflix. It just so happened customs was jammed, putting our schedule behind a bit.
But we were determined not to let that derail the plan altogether. After all I was running low on days to meet my January 20th deadline. SO we modified the plan. Abbie was to meet us at the house when Dagmara and I got back from the airport, and we would pick the shortest foreign film selection possible.
In the end we chose quality over lack of quanity, and picked Recién Cazado, which looked entertaining, despite it's 1hr plus running time. We didn't start until about 10:30, but let's face it, I'm a night owl anyway.
The best way to describe the genre of movie this was, aside from "foreign", would be romantic comedy. At first it was difficult not to stare at the subtitles, and pay attention to what was actually going on on-screen. But after a while I was able to adjust, the subtitles moved slow enough - and I am sure the translations were abbreviated - and I learned to just skim instead of reading each line word for word.
The movie itself was hilarious. Like Abbie said, it probably wasn't meant to be as funny as we took it, but we sure got a few good laughs. Well, Abbie and I did; Dagmara pulled a Nelly and fell asleep about 10 minutes in.
The plot went a little something like this:
A promiscuous, party-loving bachelor gets wasted one night and marries a girl he met at the bar. He wakes up the next morning, and not remembering anything from the night before, freaks out to find that he married to the girl next to him in bed. She convinces him to let her stay for 3 weeks until she gets her period, to make sure that she is not pregnant. Time passes blah blah blah , they start to get along, learn about eachother and then obviously fall in love.
Later the guy learns that this was all one huge joke. That his mother thought he needed to learn a lesson and the girl wanted revenge for her friend he hurt. The couple was never married ( well duh, only in Vegas can you get married in one day and be completely drunk while doing so), and "supposedly" the girl never loved him.
But he has changed his ways for her and then falls into depression, tries to tell her to come back, he takes a job in Paris, she goes there to find him but can't, then randomly she shows up at the beach of his house and decides to stay. And everyone lives happily ever after, THE END.
Basically it was like an American Romantic Comedy, silly and improbable, but taken to the utmost extreme. His mother was a tarot card reader and thought the cards told her all of this must happen, the girl convinces him to let her stay just to make sure she is not pregnant, there are three attempts to reconnect before they actually end up together - I mean how do you go to Paris to find someone and just happen to miss them everytime, wouldn't there be an address for his office?
Not that the movies I watch are at all realistic or believeable, but the over dramatization of events in Recién Cazado made it hysterical. It was more like an extended soap opera. And I LOVED it!
Location: Dagmara's House
Task #6 - Watch a Foreign Film
Sometimes things don't go as planned. Sometimes they turn out better than you expect anyway. Last Wednesday the plan was to meet at 9 at Dagmara's to watch a foreign film of our choice from Netflix. It just so happened customs was jammed, putting our schedule behind a bit.
But we were determined not to let that derail the plan altogether. After all I was running low on days to meet my January 20th deadline. SO we modified the plan. Abbie was to meet us at the house when Dagmara and I got back from the airport, and we would pick the shortest foreign film selection possible.
In the end we chose quality over lack of quanity, and picked Recién Cazado, which looked entertaining, despite it's 1hr plus running time. We didn't start until about 10:30, but let's face it, I'm a night owl anyway.
The best way to describe the genre of movie this was, aside from "foreign", would be romantic comedy. At first it was difficult not to stare at the subtitles, and pay attention to what was actually going on on-screen. But after a while I was able to adjust, the subtitles moved slow enough - and I am sure the translations were abbreviated - and I learned to just skim instead of reading each line word for word.
The movie itself was hilarious. Like Abbie said, it probably wasn't meant to be as funny as we took it, but we sure got a few good laughs. Well, Abbie and I did; Dagmara pulled a Nelly and fell asleep about 10 minutes in.
The plot went a little something like this:
A promiscuous, party-loving bachelor gets wasted one night and marries a girl he met at the bar. He wakes up the next morning, and not remembering anything from the night before, freaks out to find that he married to the girl next to him in bed. She convinces him to let her stay for 3 weeks until she gets her period, to make sure that she is not pregnant. Time passes blah blah blah , they start to get along, learn about eachother and then obviously fall in love.
Later the guy learns that this was all one huge joke. That his mother thought he needed to learn a lesson and the girl wanted revenge for her friend he hurt. The couple was never married ( well duh, only in Vegas can you get married in one day and be completely drunk while doing so), and "supposedly" the girl never loved him.
But he has changed his ways for her and then falls into depression, tries to tell her to come back, he takes a job in Paris, she goes there to find him but can't, then randomly she shows up at the beach of his house and decides to stay. And everyone lives happily ever after, THE END.
Basically it was like an American Romantic Comedy, silly and improbable, but taken to the utmost extreme. His mother was a tarot card reader and thought the cards told her all of this must happen, the girl convinces him to let her stay just to make sure she is not pregnant, there are three attempts to reconnect before they actually end up together - I mean how do you go to Paris to find someone and just happen to miss them everytime, wouldn't there be an address for his office?
Not that the movies I watch are at all realistic or believeable, but the over dramatization of events in Recién Cazado made it hysterical. It was more like an extended soap opera. And I LOVED it!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ola` Amigos
Saturday, January 7, 2012 - Sunday, January 8, 2012
Location: In Bed
Task #16 Have a "Friends" Marathon Weekend
Everything you need to know you can learn from "Friends". It's true. I swear. Someone on Pinterest even stole that idea from me! LOL Well, I'm sure I'm not the first to think of that, but it's still true. You learn that you can get a chick stuck in a VCR, how to make a "dirty" salad, all about serogacy, how to move furniture, how to survive an entire weekend without having to get up, what people do when they have the place to themselves, how to turn SAP on your TV, and could I be wearing anymore clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!
Laugh after laugh, I stayed up all night, lounged in bed most of Sunday morning cracking up at my favorite moments. Now I know it's on TV all time, but I love watching from episode one, in order on up. Over time you forget the sequence of events, this way you see a little more clearly the way things went down. Like Ross and Rachel, they were together for less than one season, but somehow they were the focal relationship. Weird. It's like realizing that Jem was really only a one or two season show, yet as nostalgic 20 something's we think we spent our entire childhood watching it. But I'm diverging from my point (surprise).
Anyway, it was really nice to take a weekend to just veg, laugh instead of being productive at all, lounge over rush around. We all need a break once in a while, and I was happy to spend my break with "Friends".
Location: In Bed
Task #16 Have a "Friends" Marathon Weekend
Everything you need to know you can learn from "Friends". It's true. I swear. Someone on Pinterest even stole that idea from me! LOL Well, I'm sure I'm not the first to think of that, but it's still true. You learn that you can get a chick stuck in a VCR, how to make a "dirty" salad, all about serogacy, how to move furniture, how to survive an entire weekend without having to get up, what people do when they have the place to themselves, how to turn SAP on your TV, and could I be wearing anymore clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!
Laugh after laugh, I stayed up all night, lounged in bed most of Sunday morning cracking up at my favorite moments. Now I know it's on TV all time, but I love watching from episode one, in order on up. Over time you forget the sequence of events, this way you see a little more clearly the way things went down. Like Ross and Rachel, they were together for less than one season, but somehow they were the focal relationship. Weird. It's like realizing that Jem was really only a one or two season show, yet as nostalgic 20 something's we think we spent our entire childhood watching it. But I'm diverging from my point (surprise).
Anyway, it was really nice to take a weekend to just veg, laugh instead of being productive at all, lounge over rush around. We all need a break once in a while, and I was happy to spend my break with "Friends".
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Picture This
Friday, January 6, 2012
Location: Stacy's House
Task #14 Create a Vision Board
It couldn't have been anything short of fate that in one of the magazines we were cutting up was an article about the Law of Attraction. The article quoted " The purpose of a vision board is to focus your attention-briefly. After that, the less mental strain you feel, the sooner good things will happen."
I pasted this quote front and center (well slightly to the left) on my board as a reminder.
For those of you who don't know what the law of attraction is, it's basically just the idea that you can attract the things you want to you. If you want to learn more about it check out The Secret.
For this task I decided it would be fun to have the girls help me. I figured they know me pretty well and would have fun looking in magaizines for silly things to cut out. So we all gathered around Stacy's table ate some yummy Lou Malnatti's( even though they forgot the jalepenos we paid extra for), drank some wine and had some filthy conversation (which I refuse to repeat). It sure was a good thing Nephew and Lukie weren't around.
Everyone helped me find some good images and even found some things to use on their own vision boards to be put together at a future date. Its funny to hear what everyone recommends for eachothers boards, you catch a glimpse of what people think of you, that they may not say directly. And it was hilrious when Nelly asked me, "Why the hell did you cut out a picture of a pregant woman?!" "Um.... She wants to have a baby some day..." Stacy answered. "But this board is for this year's goals!" Nelly said. "No, relax, I was thinking it was more of a lifetime board," I told her. "Oh. Ok then" And we all had a good laugh.
I went home missing just a few things I knew I wanted to add and made a project of modge-podging. My clippings onto my canvas as I started my "Friends" marathon.
Over the next few days I was able to track down the remainder of the future I envisioned for myself - a gorgeous wedding dress, the words "Quit Smoking", a theater room, a glass walled modern house, graduates, and David Borenaz (it's symbolic people, I know I wont get him ).
In the end I filled most of the canvas. I had added everything I thought I wanted. At first it irked me a little to leave space blank- worrying that meant my task was incomplete, but then I thought it actually makes sense. Wants may change, I may want something next month that I never wanted before. The future is open to change, so made room for it! And all that's left to do is believe I can get it.
Location: Stacy's House
Task #14 Create a Vision Board
It couldn't have been anything short of fate that in one of the magazines we were cutting up was an article about the Law of Attraction. The article quoted " The purpose of a vision board is to focus your attention-briefly. After that, the less mental strain you feel, the sooner good things will happen."
I pasted this quote front and center (well slightly to the left) on my board as a reminder.
For those of you who don't know what the law of attraction is, it's basically just the idea that you can attract the things you want to you. If you want to learn more about it check out The Secret.
For this task I decided it would be fun to have the girls help me. I figured they know me pretty well and would have fun looking in magaizines for silly things to cut out. So we all gathered around Stacy's table ate some yummy Lou Malnatti's( even though they forgot the jalepenos we paid extra for), drank some wine and had some filthy conversation (which I refuse to repeat). It sure was a good thing Nephew and Lukie weren't around.
Everyone helped me find some good images and even found some things to use on their own vision boards to be put together at a future date. Its funny to hear what everyone recommends for eachothers boards, you catch a glimpse of what people think of you, that they may not say directly. And it was hilrious when Nelly asked me, "Why the hell did you cut out a picture of a pregant woman?!" "Um.... She wants to have a baby some day..." Stacy answered. "But this board is for this year's goals!" Nelly said. "No, relax, I was thinking it was more of a lifetime board," I told her. "Oh. Ok then" And we all had a good laugh.
I went home missing just a few things I knew I wanted to add and made a project of modge-podging. My clippings onto my canvas as I started my "Friends" marathon.
Over the next few days I was able to track down the remainder of the future I envisioned for myself - a gorgeous wedding dress, the words "Quit Smoking", a theater room, a glass walled modern house, graduates, and David Borenaz (it's symbolic people, I know I wont get him ).
In the end I filled most of the canvas. I had added everything I thought I wanted. At first it irked me a little to leave space blank- worrying that meant my task was incomplete, but then I thought it actually makes sense. Wants may change, I may want something next month that I never wanted before. The future is open to change, so made room for it! And all that's left to do is believe I can get it.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Be In Love
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Location: Work/Car/Home
Task #3
Album: Be In Love
By: Locksley
1. Love You Too 7. The Whip
2. Darling, It's True 8. Down For Too Long
3. One More Minute 9. On Fire
4. Days of Youth 10. It Isn't Love
5. 21st Century 11. The Way That We Go
6. Away From Here 12. The World Isn't Waiting
Now, I don't know much about music. But when I listened to this CD, I was immediately reminded of the ska music my brother used to try to "school" me on. Which makes sense, because I borrowed this album from him. It also reminded me a bit of the Strokes, maybe even the Donnas. As I continue to listen, they even have a slight Neon Trees quality. But like I said, I don't know anything about music and I know there is some band that more accurately compares to Locksley.
Did you know that "The Whip", track # 7, is the new theme song to the American Family Insurance commercial? I didn't until I listened to the album obviously. It's funny for two reasons. One, I happen to find that commercial to be very catchy. Two, it reminds me of the Blue Cross Blue Shield commercial with the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes playing in the background, and a while back, before they had even minor notoriety, Neon Trees' "Animal" was featured in Vegas travel campaigns.
When I notice this, I can't help but ask myself whether the commercials destroy any credibility the bands have as artists, does it betray their authenticity and originality? Does selling your song for an ad constitute "selling out", or is it simply a way to get yourself on the map, even if it is a corrupt spot, somewhere near Sin City (or in the case of Neon Trees, exactly in Sin City)?
I'm inclined toward the affirmative - yes it does destroy the respective band's credibility. Commercials are generic and meant to appeal to a broad variety of people. Plus, they trend to the misleading and disingenuous. Which in turn leaves the same stain on the band now associated with the industry of mainstream consumerism in general. I guess it's difficult for musicians in general, for performers, to altogether avoid this, if they want to get their music heard. And it doesn't necessarily mean the music is on a whole automatically garbage. It just seems superficially that artists that come up through the ranks on their own, are in fact the artists. And the stigma of "selling out" automatically puts in our head the product is mass produced, generic swill.
But I digress; that's a debate for another time. The point here was supposed to be about the album specifically, and the experience of partaking in previously unknown music.
I have to say I enjoyed the CD. And ironically, so far, my favorite track is "The Whip". (Perhaps it's osmosis due to over exposure.) However, it's more novelty for me. I am enjoying learning the music, the words, the melodies, but it's not "my type" of music. It's not my go to when I need to rock out in the car and embarrass myself for the drivers around me. I can't sing to it really. Maybe I could do a silly dance/head bob thing as I drive along on my way to work, but like I said it's more a novelty thing for me. Like "Chelsea's Dagger" by the Fratellis, you don't listen to it for the amazing musical quality, it's a fun little catchy tune, which is great, it serves its purpose, but that's really it. Locksley would probably be a lot of fun live though...
But now that I think of it, music, clearly, doesn't have to be serious. Sometimes it's just fun. That's a little barrier I realize I put up with new music. It doesn't always have to mean something. And sometimes it can be both - the more I listen to Be In Love, the more I see that there is meaning in there too. Hmm, look at that, I just taught myself something.Whatever the music, it's amazing how it can speak to us, move us, sometimes even unite us. Now I doubt my preferences will completely change here, but I should be more open to variety- all music (well almost).
Location: Work/Car/Home
Task #3
Album: Be In Love
By: Locksley
1. Love You Too 7. The Whip
2. Darling, It's True 8. Down For Too Long
3. One More Minute 9. On Fire
4. Days of Youth 10. It Isn't Love
5. 21st Century 11. The Way That We Go
6. Away From Here 12. The World Isn't Waiting
Now, I don't know much about music. But when I listened to this CD, I was immediately reminded of the ska music my brother used to try to "school" me on. Which makes sense, because I borrowed this album from him. It also reminded me a bit of the Strokes, maybe even the Donnas. As I continue to listen, they even have a slight Neon Trees quality. But like I said, I don't know anything about music and I know there is some band that more accurately compares to Locksley.
Did you know that "The Whip", track # 7, is the new theme song to the American Family Insurance commercial? I didn't until I listened to the album obviously. It's funny for two reasons. One, I happen to find that commercial to be very catchy. Two, it reminds me of the Blue Cross Blue Shield commercial with the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes playing in the background, and a while back, before they had even minor notoriety, Neon Trees' "Animal" was featured in Vegas travel campaigns.
When I notice this, I can't help but ask myself whether the commercials destroy any credibility the bands have as artists, does it betray their authenticity and originality? Does selling your song for an ad constitute "selling out", or is it simply a way to get yourself on the map, even if it is a corrupt spot, somewhere near Sin City (or in the case of Neon Trees, exactly in Sin City)?
I'm inclined toward the affirmative - yes it does destroy the respective band's credibility. Commercials are generic and meant to appeal to a broad variety of people. Plus, they trend to the misleading and disingenuous. Which in turn leaves the same stain on the band now associated with the industry of mainstream consumerism in general. I guess it's difficult for musicians in general, for performers, to altogether avoid this, if they want to get their music heard. And it doesn't necessarily mean the music is on a whole automatically garbage. It just seems superficially that artists that come up through the ranks on their own, are in fact the artists. And the stigma of "selling out" automatically puts in our head the product is mass produced, generic swill.
But I digress; that's a debate for another time. The point here was supposed to be about the album specifically, and the experience of partaking in previously unknown music.
I have to say I enjoyed the CD. And ironically, so far, my favorite track is "The Whip". (Perhaps it's osmosis due to over exposure.) However, it's more novelty for me. I am enjoying learning the music, the words, the melodies, but it's not "my type" of music. It's not my go to when I need to rock out in the car and embarrass myself for the drivers around me. I can't sing to it really. Maybe I could do a silly dance/head bob thing as I drive along on my way to work, but like I said it's more a novelty thing for me. Like "Chelsea's Dagger" by the Fratellis, you don't listen to it for the amazing musical quality, it's a fun little catchy tune, which is great, it serves its purpose, but that's really it. Locksley would probably be a lot of fun live though...
But now that I think of it, music, clearly, doesn't have to be serious. Sometimes it's just fun. That's a little barrier I realize I put up with new music. It doesn't always have to mean something. And sometimes it can be both - the more I listen to Be In Love, the more I see that there is meaning in there too. Hmm, look at that, I just taught myself something.Whatever the music, it's amazing how it can speak to us, move us, sometimes even unite us. Now I doubt my preferences will completely change here, but I should be more open to variety- all music (well almost).
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