But I don't think that there has been a day in the last 10 years that I went to work or school without smoking, buying a pack on the way and smoking as soon as I got there, or maybe having two because I was stuck in traffic. So this morning was a big accomplishment for me. And it's now 10 am and I still haven't had a cigarette. It's been just over 12 hrs since my last one. I am a bit antsy I guess you could say, but I think I expected it to be worse. Right now I am somewhat occupied at work, but at times my focus gets lost, consumed in a craving.
From the outside you wouldn't know the difference. It's like walking down the street, I know I appear to be perfectly normal, composed, but inside it feels like I am burning alive, like if I could crawl out of my skin, I would. I know why I failed so many times before. I couldn't fight that urge. I wanted to just make it go away. "Just one more, just one more", I would say, "and I won't smoke anymore today." But I remember how that went. One more turned into two, the next day I'd have 3. And before I knew it I was back to smoking a half a pack a day sometimes more.
I am happy to say that yesterday I went down a notch. I was smoking probably half a pack a day. Then I cut back to maybe 7 cigarettes, give or take. I wasn't keeping a running tally, I would just judge by how frequently I would have to buy a new pack, and whether or not I shared with anyone. Then when I started on the idea of quitting, I worked my way down to 5 cigarettes a day, specifically scheduled (which according to the plan is probably a bad strategy). I held at 5 cigarettes a day for a few days, but I tried to infuse the "Become an Ex" theology. Rather than smoking at specific times, I began to work on the process of separation. Like not smoking immediately after getting in the car, or drinking a cup of coffee, or following a meal.
Today makes day 4 of "separation" and last night I went down to only 4 cigarettes a day. They went a little like this: one on the way to work, one halfway in the car to dinner, one half way to Jets for trivia, and one halfway through Trivia. I jammed like a lunatic to the radio and ate 2 cough drops to avoid smoking on the the way home. So it seems the car is my down fall. If only I rode my bike everywhere... But still, it's progress.
And today, so far so good. I am currently warring in my head over when I get to have another one. I have separated the smoking from my morning routine of getting to work so I am due for one. I would like to hold out as long as possible though. And I don't want to run into lunch, because with lunch I face another trigger. I have to separate the smoking from eating as well. So the debate in my head right now is going something like this:
Good job, no smoking yet today
ok, when can I have one?
Maybe at lunch, no I have to space out food and smoking
ok, how about now? - No! Fight the urge! Hold out as long as you can!
After Lunch then, mid-afternoon - No! I told people at work I want to not smoke at work.
I'll look like a liar, a failure
So... who cares, I need that cigarette.
No you don't, calm down.
Oh shut up you goody two-shoes
Ugh, I can't imagine not smoking this summer... on the way to Kentucky..
Hey idiot, how about you take this one step at a time.
Shut up!
And that's where I'm at right now. I think the nicotine craving part of my brain is about to win. I am rationalizing that it's part of the program, to allow yourself the cigarettes but separated from triggers, until that quit date. Maybe I misunderstood something, but I would still like to minimize the smoking, so holding out as long as possible seems like the best idea. Otherwise, I am going to get to that quit date and not be able to quit. And that would suck. Clearly. Wish me Luck.
