It is so frustrating. I seem to have lost my will power. After one weekend, alcohol involved, I seem to have gone back a step. I went from cutting down to 5 a day, down to 4, down to 3. Then Friday night came, wine applied to the system and I had about 9 cigarettes. Gross. Saturday was no better. I was again able to keep to only a couple during the day but going out that night got the best of me. Again, smoking half a pack.
I considered the weekend a wash and started again on Monday, from the beginning. Down to 5 cigarettes. And here on Thursday, one day before my alleged quit date and I am still on 5 cigarettes a day. So far I have only had 2, and I have not smoked in my car since I think Monday, but I am sure the number will hit 5 before I go to bed.
I am starting to think 2 things. One being a small issue, I have no will power and give up easily. This is evident also in my weight loss ambitions, which have ceased to exist, growing cobwebs on my weight watchers account. And secondly, a possible solution: play hermit until I am over the worst of it. Strictly go from home to work, work to home and no where in between. Unless I have to stop for gas. No eating at restaurants. No going out for a quick drink, no going to homes of smokers, especially if there is smoking in the house. I'd say for at least 2 weeks. And with all the home time I will be wracking up in the mean time, I can use it productively, working on one of my many weakly attempted hobbies...
I'll keep you posted on how well that goes.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Chapter 2 Continued
Today is March 1st. I have 8 days until my end smoke date. This morning I did something I've never done. I went all the way to work without smoking. I'm sure for many of you that doesn't seem like a tricky task. I mean you simply don't smoke, right?
But I don't think that there has been a day in the last 10 years that I went to work or school without smoking, buying a pack on the way and smoking as soon as I got there, or maybe having two because I was stuck in traffic. So this morning was a big accomplishment for me. And it's now 10 am and I still haven't had a cigarette. It's been just over 12 hrs since my last one. I am a bit antsy I guess you could say, but I think I expected it to be worse. Right now I am somewhat occupied at work, but at times my focus gets lost, consumed in a craving.
From the outside you wouldn't know the difference. It's like walking down the street, I know I appear to be perfectly normal, composed, but inside it feels like I am burning alive, like if I could crawl out of my skin, I would. I know why I failed so many times before. I couldn't fight that urge. I wanted to just make it go away. "Just one more, just one more", I would say, "and I won't smoke anymore today." But I remember how that went. One more turned into two, the next day I'd have 3. And before I knew it I was back to smoking a half a pack a day sometimes more.
I am happy to say that yesterday I went down a notch. I was smoking probably half a pack a day. Then I cut back to maybe 7 cigarettes, give or take. I wasn't keeping a running tally, I would just judge by how frequently I would have to buy a new pack, and whether or not I shared with anyone. Then when I started on the idea of quitting, I worked my way down to 5 cigarettes a day, specifically scheduled (which according to the plan is probably a bad strategy). I held at 5 cigarettes a day for a few days, but I tried to infuse the "Become an Ex" theology. Rather than smoking at specific times, I began to work on the process of separation. Like not smoking immediately after getting in the car, or drinking a cup of coffee, or following a meal.
Today makes day 4 of "separation" and last night I went down to only 4 cigarettes a day. They went a little like this: one on the way to work, one halfway in the car to dinner, one half way to Jets for trivia, and one halfway through Trivia. I jammed like a lunatic to the radio and ate 2 cough drops to avoid smoking on the the way home. So it seems the car is my down fall. If only I rode my bike everywhere... But still, it's progress.
And today, so far so good. I am currently warring in my head over when I get to have another one. I have separated the smoking from my morning routine of getting to work so I am due for one. I would like to hold out as long as possible though. And I don't want to run into lunch, because with lunch I face another trigger. I have to separate the smoking from eating as well. So the debate in my head right now is going something like this:
But I don't think that there has been a day in the last 10 years that I went to work or school without smoking, buying a pack on the way and smoking as soon as I got there, or maybe having two because I was stuck in traffic. So this morning was a big accomplishment for me. And it's now 10 am and I still haven't had a cigarette. It's been just over 12 hrs since my last one. I am a bit antsy I guess you could say, but I think I expected it to be worse. Right now I am somewhat occupied at work, but at times my focus gets lost, consumed in a craving.
From the outside you wouldn't know the difference. It's like walking down the street, I know I appear to be perfectly normal, composed, but inside it feels like I am burning alive, like if I could crawl out of my skin, I would. I know why I failed so many times before. I couldn't fight that urge. I wanted to just make it go away. "Just one more, just one more", I would say, "and I won't smoke anymore today." But I remember how that went. One more turned into two, the next day I'd have 3. And before I knew it I was back to smoking a half a pack a day sometimes more.
I am happy to say that yesterday I went down a notch. I was smoking probably half a pack a day. Then I cut back to maybe 7 cigarettes, give or take. I wasn't keeping a running tally, I would just judge by how frequently I would have to buy a new pack, and whether or not I shared with anyone. Then when I started on the idea of quitting, I worked my way down to 5 cigarettes a day, specifically scheduled (which according to the plan is probably a bad strategy). I held at 5 cigarettes a day for a few days, but I tried to infuse the "Become an Ex" theology. Rather than smoking at specific times, I began to work on the process of separation. Like not smoking immediately after getting in the car, or drinking a cup of coffee, or following a meal.
Today makes day 4 of "separation" and last night I went down to only 4 cigarettes a day. They went a little like this: one on the way to work, one halfway in the car to dinner, one half way to Jets for trivia, and one halfway through Trivia. I jammed like a lunatic to the radio and ate 2 cough drops to avoid smoking on the the way home. So it seems the car is my down fall. If only I rode my bike everywhere... But still, it's progress.
And today, so far so good. I am currently warring in my head over when I get to have another one. I have separated the smoking from my morning routine of getting to work so I am due for one. I would like to hold out as long as possible though. And I don't want to run into lunch, because with lunch I face another trigger. I have to separate the smoking from eating as well. So the debate in my head right now is going something like this:
Good job, no smoking yet today
ok, when can I have one?
Maybe at lunch, no I have to space out food and smoking
ok, how about now? - No! Fight the urge! Hold out as long as you can!
After Lunch then, mid-afternoon - No! I told people at work I want to not smoke at work.
I'll look like a liar, a failure
So... who cares, I need that cigarette.
No you don't, calm down.
Oh shut up you goody two-shoes
Ugh, I can't imagine not smoking this summer... on the way to Kentucky..
Hey idiot, how about you take this one step at a time.
Shut up!
And that's where I'm at right now. I think the nicotine craving part of my brain is about to win. I am rationalizing that it's part of the program, to allow yourself the cigarettes but separated from triggers, until that quit date. Maybe I misunderstood something, but I would still like to minimize the smoking, so holding out as long as possible seems like the best idea. Otherwise, I am going to get to that quit date and not be able to quit. And that would suck. Clearly. Wish me Luck.
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