I made it 3 weeks, and counting. I am happy with my progress. I love that I am not wasting money on cigarettes and I don't wake up wheezy anymore. I do feel a tad wistful when I am around others smoking, and I enjoy being around the smoke. But aside from that, I haven't really been tempted.
The problem is my avoidance tactic has been food. Well not so much food as junk. I eat a lot of chocolate at work, ice cream at home... It's dangerous. So my new small goal will be to not have any chocolate at work today. Baby steps, people. I would promise to go for a walk or ride the bike for a while, but it's a billion degrees outside, and I plan to hide in the air conditioning when I get home.
Whatever happens though the main focus is not to smoke. As Stacy says, don't waste all that hard work - the last 3 weeks for one cigarette. And I don't intend to! I hope I don't have a major crisis - thanks for the looming warning Dagmara - that pushes me back to smoking, but I think that I have other ways to deal now. Walking, painting, reading, listening to music... I will try to remember that as time goes on.
Keep crossing your fingers for me, saying that little prayer. I need all the help I can get.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lesson Learned - Chapter 3 - Make Small Goals
Make Small Goals.
I know it sounds cheesy but I read this book my aunt gave me called "30 Things to Do When You're Thirty" . There was a chapter in the book that talked about chasing your dreams. It said to make goals for yourself and accomplish them - even small ones. The small ones are confidence builders; they show you that you are capable. I have to agree.
I know I shouldn't be speaking so soon... (Talk to me this time next week. Hopefully my story will still be the same) And I definitely shouldn't say that quitting smoking is easy. That was my latest goal. You know what, it wasn't easy. It took me 14 years to get here. It took me 14 years to decided: enough! But that's where I past the hardest part - that decision, that realization.
On Memorial Day my grandma came over for a BBQ. My brother and Julie brought Mack Attack. We were hanging out in the sun, had a good dinner, spilled a LOT of coffee, and I went out to smoke. My grandma wanted me to take her home. She was a little hesitant to get into my tiny Fiat. My coercive argument was that it at least didn't smell like smoke. The car was new, I didn't want to stink it up just yet. My grandmother's response was "Big deal, you shouldn't be smoking anywhere." I jumped to my own defense, believing like every other smoker that actually quitting was a process, that it was something to be entered into carefully, with a plan, one step at a time. I believed that I couldn't be so hard on myself, that I would get there eventually. So I said to my grandma, "It's a step, Grandma." She's no bullshit. She said, "Jenny, your steps get you no where" Well ain't that a kick in the head?
She - as much as I hate to admit it - was right. All the "steps" I took were faulty at best. All they did was prolong the actual quitting part of quitting smoking. They allowed me to believe I was doing something without actually sacrificing, without doing the work. Maybe they work for some people, maybe the gradual steps help some people, so they don't feel like they are losing something... I have felt the exact opposite the last week or so. I feel like I gained something!
The next day I smoked the last cigarette in my pack. I was with Nicolette and I remember saying to her when I left her house that I had to stop for cigarettes on my way home or else I would be angry in the morning when I didn't have any. But I got in my car and thought, "Wait a minute. That's it. I said I was going to try quitting again. I'm not buying them. We'll just have to see how it goes." I made that ACTIVE decision. I took control of my actions, my health, my life. It was the most liberating decision I have ever made.
Later, on day one with no cigarettes, I had a minor freak out. I wanted to claw out my own eyes by the time I got home. I wanted to eat everything in sight to stop myself from putting a cigarette to my lips. I still didn't have any on me. Which was probably the best thing I did for myself. Had I bought cigarettes I know for a fact I would have caved and probably would have smoked the whole thing by last Thursday. And would be on my second pack since. But I made my decision 193 hrs and 21 minutes ago (8 days 1 hr and 21 minutes - not that I'm counting), and I haven't smoked yet. Lucky for me I am also lazy. Getting cigarettes would have required I get in the car and go get some. No thanks. I went to the garage and painted. But then the anxious energy built up, so I took a walk. I walked for an hour. It was excruciating. Time past so slow. I kept checking my clock, and this is a bit of a knock at the good ol' RG, but it took me just about 20 minutes to walk the entire length of the damn town. I had to go in circles, through the park, up and down streets, jog in place a little and stretch in the backyard just to fill the hour. I should be fair - I only went from Fullerton to Grand (instead of Belmont) and just about Harlem (which is technically Elmwood Park) to Ditka Dr (instead of Elm St.). But somehow I think only a half hour would have been necessary to accomplish a legit tour de River Grove. But I am getting sidetracked here. Which ironically is how I have lasted even this long. I would focus on ANYTHING other than smoking to avoid giving up. I bounced around from watching TV to painting, walking, yoga (limit mobility there), reading, drinking coffee ( which should have made me want to smoke, but didn't), oh and I cleaned my room, closets and all. I got so much more done in one night than I ever would have thought possible. At work I would focus on work, at lunch I play basketball. Which, I surprisingly have missed. And I surprise Ed every time I beat him in a game of horse.
Saturday night we went out for Stacy's birthday. I was contemplating skipping the alcohol because everyone says it's smart to avoid it when you're trying to quit. I couldn't not have a beer, and how could I pass on the Chocolate Sin Martini? But the girls discreetly went to the "powder room" without me, and I made it through. That made me feel like I really accomplished something - being around smokers, the girls and my brother earlier that day - and not letting my hard work collapse around me. I felt it, I felt that something else was more important. I keep reminding myself that I may miss smoking, but giving in won't satisfy me, it won't satiate the craving. IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WANT TO SMOKE MORE. I tell myself I am gaining nothing by smoking, but by not smoking I am hopefully going to increase my chances of not getting cancer, perhaps correcting the arrhythmia, saving money, expanding my lung capacity. Don't get me wrong, I knew all of this before. I knew that no matter how well I knew all of that, it didn't matter. It didn't carry enough weight to make me quit. No smoker is blind to the drawbacks of smoking - we live in the era of "Truth" Commercials and grew up as the "Smoke Free Class of 2000" The fact is that it has to be on you, 100%. You have to just decide to do it. Decide that you want it. That nothing is more important.
And I will advocate the Cold Turkey. There is no gray area there. There is no "today was a good day" or "today I wasn't so good". There's smoking and there's not smoking. It's black (like your lungs if you keep smoking) and white ( like my teeth will be now that I'm not going to cover them with tar).
Now I can't claim to be some rock star awesome motivational miracle story. There are days like today where my chest feels tight and I feel the burden of stress on my shoulders. And I think, "MAN! I would so be smoking hard right now, if I still did that sort of thing" And there are days when I want to bargain with myself. I will tell myself that once I have quit long enough I can smoke once in a while, if I am really drunk. Or I can smoke when I am old ( like Gabby says). And sometimes that stuff is just to help me get through the moment. It helps me think I am not giving something up entirely, I can have it back when I choose.
And right now I am CHOOSING not to have it in my life. I feel a strange sense of power from saying that. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I haven't failed yet, right? No, I do kinda rock. And I think how happy my mom is, every time I tell her, "I didn't smoke today". Can you imagine my grandma? She's going to say something like "Good for you - IT'S ABOUT TIME. NOW DON'T START AGAIN" And my aunt is going to say, "Good, Dr. Griffin will be happy, make sure you tell him." And I feel like I have taken something back there too. I can start to repair damage I did by smoking - I hope - and don't have to be to blame for my heart - should it ail me. I don't have to face the dirty looks, feel the guilt of my in-gratefulness, the judgment. I know, I know, what the fuck was I dong smoking to begin with? Please, I have heard it all.
And I don't aim to hear it ever again. I am looking at my vision board - "Quit Smoking" spelled out on it - hmm maybe they do work. And I see happiness there too. I think that makes two checks. Now wish me continued strength and good luck. I'm sure I will need both.
I know it sounds cheesy but I read this book my aunt gave me called "30 Things to Do When You're Thirty" . There was a chapter in the book that talked about chasing your dreams. It said to make goals for yourself and accomplish them - even small ones. The small ones are confidence builders; they show you that you are capable. I have to agree.
I know I shouldn't be speaking so soon... (Talk to me this time next week. Hopefully my story will still be the same) And I definitely shouldn't say that quitting smoking is easy. That was my latest goal. You know what, it wasn't easy. It took me 14 years to get here. It took me 14 years to decided: enough! But that's where I past the hardest part - that decision, that realization.
On Memorial Day my grandma came over for a BBQ. My brother and Julie brought Mack Attack. We were hanging out in the sun, had a good dinner, spilled a LOT of coffee, and I went out to smoke. My grandma wanted me to take her home. She was a little hesitant to get into my tiny Fiat. My coercive argument was that it at least didn't smell like smoke. The car was new, I didn't want to stink it up just yet. My grandmother's response was "Big deal, you shouldn't be smoking anywhere." I jumped to my own defense, believing like every other smoker that actually quitting was a process, that it was something to be entered into carefully, with a plan, one step at a time. I believed that I couldn't be so hard on myself, that I would get there eventually. So I said to my grandma, "It's a step, Grandma." She's no bullshit. She said, "Jenny, your steps get you no where" Well ain't that a kick in the head?
She - as much as I hate to admit it - was right. All the "steps" I took were faulty at best. All they did was prolong the actual quitting part of quitting smoking. They allowed me to believe I was doing something without actually sacrificing, without doing the work. Maybe they work for some people, maybe the gradual steps help some people, so they don't feel like they are losing something... I have felt the exact opposite the last week or so. I feel like I gained something!
The next day I smoked the last cigarette in my pack. I was with Nicolette and I remember saying to her when I left her house that I had to stop for cigarettes on my way home or else I would be angry in the morning when I didn't have any. But I got in my car and thought, "Wait a minute. That's it. I said I was going to try quitting again. I'm not buying them. We'll just have to see how it goes." I made that ACTIVE decision. I took control of my actions, my health, my life. It was the most liberating decision I have ever made.
Later, on day one with no cigarettes, I had a minor freak out. I wanted to claw out my own eyes by the time I got home. I wanted to eat everything in sight to stop myself from putting a cigarette to my lips. I still didn't have any on me. Which was probably the best thing I did for myself. Had I bought cigarettes I know for a fact I would have caved and probably would have smoked the whole thing by last Thursday. And would be on my second pack since. But I made my decision 193 hrs and 21 minutes ago (8 days 1 hr and 21 minutes - not that I'm counting), and I haven't smoked yet. Lucky for me I am also lazy. Getting cigarettes would have required I get in the car and go get some. No thanks. I went to the garage and painted. But then the anxious energy built up, so I took a walk. I walked for an hour. It was excruciating. Time past so slow. I kept checking my clock, and this is a bit of a knock at the good ol' RG, but it took me just about 20 minutes to walk the entire length of the damn town. I had to go in circles, through the park, up and down streets, jog in place a little and stretch in the backyard just to fill the hour. I should be fair - I only went from Fullerton to Grand (instead of Belmont) and just about Harlem (which is technically Elmwood Park) to Ditka Dr (instead of Elm St.). But somehow I think only a half hour would have been necessary to accomplish a legit tour de River Grove. But I am getting sidetracked here. Which ironically is how I have lasted even this long. I would focus on ANYTHING other than smoking to avoid giving up. I bounced around from watching TV to painting, walking, yoga (limit mobility there), reading, drinking coffee ( which should have made me want to smoke, but didn't), oh and I cleaned my room, closets and all. I got so much more done in one night than I ever would have thought possible. At work I would focus on work, at lunch I play basketball. Which, I surprisingly have missed. And I surprise Ed every time I beat him in a game of horse.
Saturday night we went out for Stacy's birthday. I was contemplating skipping the alcohol because everyone says it's smart to avoid it when you're trying to quit. I couldn't not have a beer, and how could I pass on the Chocolate Sin Martini? But the girls discreetly went to the "powder room" without me, and I made it through. That made me feel like I really accomplished something - being around smokers, the girls and my brother earlier that day - and not letting my hard work collapse around me. I felt it, I felt that something else was more important. I keep reminding myself that I may miss smoking, but giving in won't satisfy me, it won't satiate the craving. IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WANT TO SMOKE MORE. I tell myself I am gaining nothing by smoking, but by not smoking I am hopefully going to increase my chances of not getting cancer, perhaps correcting the arrhythmia, saving money, expanding my lung capacity. Don't get me wrong, I knew all of this before. I knew that no matter how well I knew all of that, it didn't matter. It didn't carry enough weight to make me quit. No smoker is blind to the drawbacks of smoking - we live in the era of "Truth" Commercials and grew up as the "Smoke Free Class of 2000" The fact is that it has to be on you, 100%. You have to just decide to do it. Decide that you want it. That nothing is more important.
And I will advocate the Cold Turkey. There is no gray area there. There is no "today was a good day" or "today I wasn't so good". There's smoking and there's not smoking. It's black (like your lungs if you keep smoking) and white ( like my teeth will be now that I'm not going to cover them with tar).
Now I can't claim to be some rock star awesome motivational miracle story. There are days like today where my chest feels tight and I feel the burden of stress on my shoulders. And I think, "MAN! I would so be smoking hard right now, if I still did that sort of thing" And there are days when I want to bargain with myself. I will tell myself that once I have quit long enough I can smoke once in a while, if I am really drunk. Or I can smoke when I am old ( like Gabby says). And sometimes that stuff is just to help me get through the moment. It helps me think I am not giving something up entirely, I can have it back when I choose.
And right now I am CHOOSING not to have it in my life. I feel a strange sense of power from saying that. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I haven't failed yet, right? No, I do kinda rock. And I think how happy my mom is, every time I tell her, "I didn't smoke today". Can you imagine my grandma? She's going to say something like "Good for you - IT'S ABOUT TIME. NOW DON'T START AGAIN" And my aunt is going to say, "Good, Dr. Griffin will be happy, make sure you tell him." And I feel like I have taken something back there too. I can start to repair damage I did by smoking - I hope - and don't have to be to blame for my heart - should it ail me. I don't have to face the dirty looks, feel the guilt of my in-gratefulness, the judgment. I know, I know, what the fuck was I dong smoking to begin with? Please, I have heard it all.
And I don't aim to hear it ever again. I am looking at my vision board - "Quit Smoking" spelled out on it - hmm maybe they do work. And I see happiness there too. I think that makes two checks. Now wish me continued strength and good luck. I'm sure I will need both.
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